What a piece of work is man

Yes I have played Hamlet and, and no that is not what this post is about.  This one is about morality and the competing theories that man is inherently good and the world corrupts him and that man is an animal and society civilizes him.

Until recently it was my opinion that people had an inherent moral barometer.  This isn't to say that people do no wrong, but I used to believe that when a person does wrong it is because they choose to.  That said, people still do wrong and believe themselves to be right...perhaps they cannot see the unintended consequences or perhaps their world view is distorted in such a way that they believe wrong can be justified.  Though it may not be evident after my last post, I try not to judge people.  I have always held the belief that no matter what a person does, they are trying to do right and they have their reasons for whatever I may deem as bad or malicious.  My point is, even Hitler had justifications for his actions and as much as I do not agree with them, he believed them to be just and correct (or so I would like to believe).  A well played villain in a movie or show does not see himself as a mustache-twisting, two-dimensional character, but a victim of circumstance or larger goals than the hero is capable of seeing.  That argument would make it seem as though I believe man is inherently good.

I can further this argument by saying that every major religion or philosophy has a center of morality to it and most of these align.  One should not rape or kill or steal and so on.  If you are a religious person, then you believe your religion to be correct and the others to be wrong.  Meaning, your faith was influenced by your deity, the universe or whatever and the others written by man.  Well, these men seem to have come up with a lot of similar ideas on right and wrong, they simply disagree on the best way to serve their God, deity or philosophy.  So these human beings must have a good deal of morality in them.  If you are not religious, then you probably see yourself as a good person, and you do good things because you should and not for a supernatural reward or punishment in the after-life.  This once again affirms the concept that people are good.  Sure, we are occasionally tempted by the devil or negative forces, but in general we want to do the right thing.

Of course, there are sociopaths and criminal minds that will do whatever they can get away with and the only thing that keeps them in check is fear of punishment or consequences.  There are a fair few people that would steal if they felt they could get away with it, but as proven in Clerks, you can leave a jar full of money out and most people will make correct change for themselves.  I worked as a clerk for a number of years and many people said, "You gave me too much change," and would give me back the excess.  Sure I ran into short-change artists and people that would try to flim-flam me, but people, in general, seemed to want to do what is right and fair and no more or less.  Some people are mentally incapable of knowing right from wrong or have a compulsion to do wrong.  Most people that do wrong, regret it and will go out of their way to correct their mis-step, even if it means inconveniencing themselves.  One of the twelve steps is to apologize to people you have hurt as a result of your addiction and to try to make it right with them and if that is impossible, a higher power.

Again, it would appear that I am arguing man is inherently good and does what is right because he wants to.  A couple of events recently called this into question for me.  The first was a dear friend confronting me about some of the things I said in my previous post.  They said, "It seems like all you do is regret all of your time partying, didn't you have fun?"  I did have fun and, at the time, it seemed like the thing to do.  I was hurting and I just wanted to lash out, have loads of sex (as I hadn't in my previous marriage), and basically drink and fuck the pain of failing at my marriage away.  I knew I was doing wrong, but I felt like I had earned it and needed it.  When I looked at the path of destruction, broken hearts, friends I had bankrupted, and general shambles I had made out of my life, I regretted having been so damned selfish.

Here is my point.  I looked at the effects of my actions on other people.  I thought about all of the people I had hurt for my own selfish desires and the wrong I had done seemed too much to bare.  Did I have fun while doing it?  Sort of.  Mostly, I just felt like I was an awful person and it created a downward spiral.  I felt like a bad person, so I should do bad things, I did more bad things and felt like a worse person and further down the rabbit hole I went.  Was it ultimately therapeutic?  Eventually it was, but mostly it was just costly on myself and others.  So, in that way, the society of friends and family I created dictated my morality.  If I had lived on an island of life-like, animatronic robots and booze and my choices had no consequences to people's feelings, would I have ever stopped partying?  I can say I honestly don't know.  Outside of this hypothetical, it was the cost of my actions on other people that cared about me that forced me to grow up and stop being so destructive and selfish.

I had never thought about it like that until I was confronted with the fact that I regret my past and asked, "Why?"  I had always believed I was a good person who did the right thing simply because it was the right thing.  When I had done wrong, it was in spite of myself and my own true desires.  Perhaps the truth is that I wanted God, my mom, my deceased father, my friends and everyone I cared about to be proud of me.  Perhaps, it was my society that made me civilized all along.

This concept was partially solidified at my dear friend, DC's memorial.  A gentleman, who is very religious, named Cortez said this, "When I moved from Chicago, I prayed to God to be surrounded by great people.  God wants me to be great and if I am meant to be great I need to be around great people. We tend to take on the qualities of those we associate with.  The people I had fallen in with in Chicago were not the brightest and often made poor decisions, and thus, so did I.  One of the first people I met in Phoenix was DC.  And I said, 'Thank you, God.'"  My friends and family are great people.  That is not to say that they do not do bad things occasionally, no one is perfect; in general, though, they do not hurt people for no reason and are very good.  I was blessed to fall in with very good, academic achieving and civically minded people from a very early age.  Perhaps that is a larger part of why I want to do good rather than bad.  Perhaps, the society I have created around myself has civilized me more than I give it credit for.  I am very thankful for my friends and family and realize I am lucky to have them.

The last thing that called into question my previously steadfastly believed ideas on morality is something a close woman friend said.  I was asking her to be a bit smarter in her bad choices.  I obviously make bad choices as my first blog post denotes.  For instance, this blog has caused friction in my relationship with my wife.  She is upset that I am airing our dirty laundry and private thoughts and discussions.  So many people gave me the advice to do something for me.  My options are limited and in my current state of mind, I wanted to do something that would liberate me and allow me to write and have someone somewhere read it.  I needed that as a writer and an artist.  It was a destructive choice, but I felt it was the smartest dumb choice I could make.  I asked my friend, "why can't you be foolish and cut-loose in such a way that you wouldn't have to hide it from your mother, your friends or me?"  From my perspective, if you have to hide something you have done, it is probably not the right thing to do and will likely hurt the people around you and have bad consequences.  After my experience with the divorce, I learned that in the end, that taints whatever fun I am having and makes it harder for me to enjoy myself, making me want to fill that void with even greater voracity.  She told me, "I have worried about what people might think about me my whole life.  I have let that dictate what I will and won't do. When I do something for me, I need to do something stupid.  I need to do something people wouldn't like or it is not really cutting loose."  From my point of view, doing something because people wouldn't like it is just as bad as doing something because they would.  You are still letting other people run your life and dictate your actions.  That said, she has made it plain to me that she does the negative things that concern me and others that care about her because they are fun to her...because She enjoys them and consequences be damned.  She feels she needs to do that for her.  As long as it is truly for her and not simply because it is not what people want her to do, that is probably personal growth for her, and as much as I may not agree with her actions, I stand by and support them.  But if she is going out and hurting me and others just because that is not what she has done her whole life, then it is just as much of a problem and indicative of the same mindset as only doing what you are supposed to do to please them.

And, I guess, at the end of the day, that is my conclusion.  I want to believe I do the right thing (and others do as well) because it is the right thing.  I want to believe my moral barometer is strong and I am a thoughtful, caring person.  However, there are a lot of things that I do not do simply because it would hurt my wife or others I care about.  Sometimes I even do things to hurt people when I am at my darkest and most vindictive.  I have talked about being an asshole and lashing out at my wife.  I do not like that I do those actions, but I do them in reaction to pain and frustration.  In other words, my morality and actions are based on others.  I suppose my final analysis is, caring about others is important.  Caring about not hurting or concerning them is just as valid as doing the right thing for its own sake.  I just wish I were a better man because of who I am and not just for others, but, "No man is an island" and after all, I am just a man.

Even "Blurred Lines" should not be crossed

You may be asking yourself, "Why is he talking about a pop song?  Normally this blog talks about some pretty serious stuff."  Well, I actually will be doing so, but recently one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away, and, frankly, I want to talk about anything else rather than how I feel about that right now.  

I recently watched an episode of Glee where they discussed the merits of twerking.  In said episode, Jane Lynch's character mentioned the song Blurred Lines.  She said something along the lines of it being about date rape.  I repeated this to a lady friend of mine and she said, "That song is not about date rape, it is about seduction".  That truly bothered me, but I could not figure out why.  I have hated that song since it came out, which seems strange, it is just a stupid pop song, why would I let it get to me?  I gave it some thought, and here is what I came up with.  

First off, let's go through some of the lyrics, I will apologize to any of you that feel, as I do, that most pop music is mostly pop and very little music these days.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature

In other words, you have a boyfriend, and you have tried to make a life with him, but you and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals and there are only a few animals in nature that are monogamous, so why fight it?

Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey

This line is what we call a rhetorical fallacy.  He is basically saying, I won't constrain you like your man does, but when did the girl ever say that she felt constrained?  

You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

Again, this is making the assumption that she doesn't want marriage (papers) and that her man is trying to constrain her.  

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl

She has not said anything about wanting the guy in the situation.  He has just decided that she "wants it"

Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic

This is complimentary, but irrelevant.

Talk about getting blasted

Ah ha, his confidence, or should I say over-confidence, comes from you being drunk...making more sense in the situation.

I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl

He keeps saying she is a good girl, she must have mentioned having a significant other...to me this sounds like a girl who just wants to dance and he is reading things that aren't there.

The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

Admittedly the girl he is with is crossing some kind of physical boundary that suggests that the singer is taking to mean she is interested, but in the date rape vs seduction argument, I think Jane Lynch is far closer to correct.

Here is why I hate this song.  I have had experience with being in Robin Thicke's position.  I have encouraged girls to cheat on their significant others with me.  I am not at all proud of it, but it is the truth.  The difference here is after I did it, I was ashamed.  I didn't go and write a song about it.  I am not picking on Robin Thicke, I am sure he did not write the song, but this kind of mentality seems prevalent in music right now.  I hear songs about rockers and rappers taking guys girlfriends and having their way with them.  There will always be douchebags in the world (and music attracts more than most other areas--I should know I am a musician and an ex-douche), and that does not surprise me, what bothers me is that many women like these songs and encourage that behavior.  Moreover, they seem to think it is sexy and seductive.  The tragedy of it is that the woman I was talking to does not understand the difference between being pushed into having sex when you know it is wrong and don't want to and seduction.  Ladies, seduction is a gentleman's game.  It involves two people who are attracted to each other and want to have sex.  It has to do with doing something or many impressive things to court a woman's affections with the goal of a physical relationship.  A gentleman's job is to make you comfortable however he can.  That can mean getting in a fight with a guy when that is all he can comprehend, or having sex with a pretty lady, if that is what she wants; it doesn't mean that he is not a strong man.  It is hard to be a gentleman in this day in age when it is not rewarded or looked on as manly.  Sinatra was a gentleman, and you can read about his life:  He was no less of a man for being a gentleman.  

Now don't get me wrong, this is not about sexism.  You could turn everything I am saying into the reverse for women in a relationship with a man or a gay couple.  I abhor anyone that encourages someone that has a significant other to cheat on the person that they love regardless of gender or sexual preference.  I can only speak to my experience and I do not deign to think I know what it is like to be a gay man or a woman or (even less) a gay woman.  I do know what it is like to be a gentleman in a world where women often seem to PREFER ungentlemanly action.  

Some of the biggest regrets in my life involve cheating.  I cheated on a significant, other once.  I also encouraged a couple of girls in my long and sordid history to sleep with me while they were still with their significant others.  There is nothing I regret more than those actions.  Encouraging a girl to cheat is horrific.  You take advantage of a possible lull in a relationship.  Every relationship in the world has peaks and valleys and things that the couple has to get through without outside influence.  If you proposition a girl that is in a relationship, sure you may get lucky.  You may get to be her revenge for something she is mad at with her significant other or a low point in her relationship with her man, but you basically ruin their chance to work it out or part amicably for your own selfish reasons.  In my defense, when I encouraged girls to cheat, I convinced myself it was because they were better off without their significant other (without knowing much about their relationship, of course).  I figured, if she is willing to cheat, she is going to, it might as well be with me.  I can tell you, if there is a Hell, I deserve to be in the house down the street from Hitler.  That is how seriously I take this subject.  I feel like cheating on someone that loves you is just about the worst thing a person can do to another person.  I would rather get shot in a vital organ than get cheated on, or indeed ever cheat again.  Helping another person do it, encouraging them to do it against their will (or even with their consent), or helping to put them in that situation is even worse in my book than the act itself.  That is NOT seduction, ladies.  Just because a man can talk your panties off better than your man at home, that does not mean you should be with him instead.  

Here is part of my point:  A boyfriend, if he is good to you, gives you massages, cares about you and at least half-listens about your day.  He will rub your feet even when he himself is so tired he just wants to pass out.  He'll cook the one or two dishes he knows how to.  He will wash your car.  He will help you pay down a credit card debt or support you through school.  A boyfriend or husband will tell you he loves you every day, even when he is mad at you.  He will tell you you are beautiful.  He will buy you flowers.  He will watch your shows with you, even though he hates them.  In other words, he will put in the work to earn your affections.  In my opinion, even a lover is willing to put in the work, though, for different reasons.  The douchebag you are dancing on in the bar will say whatever it takes to get you in the sack.  He will buy you shots so that you make bad decisions.  That is not work, that is date rape.  That is not what should be rewarded with affections.  The former, that is seduction.  The latter, that is just trying to (pardon my French) fuck you.  There is a big difference.  

I am not saying that women don't occasionally want and (in some cases) need to get hit on to feel good about themselves.  I am not arguing that there should not be a time and a place for all things.  But all things should be done in moderation. Even drinking too much water (the healthiest thing in the world) can kill you.  As Chef, from South Park, was so fond of saying, "Children, there is a time and a place for everything, and it is called, 'College'".  If you have chosen to be with someone, be with them; be with them with all of yourself.  If you want to be single, put on your big girl pants and say so.  While you are with a guy, that is not the time to go out and hit on guys and "grab" them in such a way that makes them feel like "you must wanna get nasty".  And guys, when a girl says, "You are cute, but I have  a boyfriend," that is not code for "work harder at getting me naked".  Even if you can tell that is what she means, have some honor, some self-respect and some love for your fellow man and step on to the next girl down the bar.  

As I said, I have cheated on a girlfriend once.  I slept with people while dating other people before we got to boyfriend/girlfriend status or while I was "on a break" with people, and I regret that, but literally nothing is worse than cheating on someone or being cheated on.  I can say that as a man who has had his testicle jammed with a quarter inch needle with no pain killers and had that thing grind around in there while my back spasmed from the pain.  I will say it again.  There is no worse pain in the world than cheating on someone or being cheated on.  When I cheated, it was because I felt like the relationship with the girl was over.  That does not make it okay.  If I had broken up with the girl and the next day gone out and did whatever I felt like, that would be morally reprehensible, but something I could live with.  It is not something I will ever do again.  The way I see it, people cheat on their significant other for either selfish reasons, or cowardice.  The selfish reasons include something like, "Well, I am doing this for me and what she doesn't know can't hurt her".  In terms of cowardice, this is what I mean.  Maybe you are looking for a way out of your relationship, and cheating on your significant other seems like a pretty good way of to force the end.  Maybe you have not had the courage to admit to yourself that you want out of a relationship until you are presented with options.  A courageous person would take that information and go home and talk to their significant other before cheating on them.  A coward would run to the arms of another.  

Anyway, that is why I hate the song.  Thank you for letting me vent.  I hope you enjoyed it, and agree or disagree, that is my point of view as someone that has been on both sides of that issue.  

I Married Marilyn Monroe

First off, I would like to thank everyone that contacted me and said words of encouragement about trying to make things work with Steph, my wife, and I.  I heard many stories from couples that had been through tough times and worked it out and everything from encouragement to admonishments about my plan of attack to deal with my own issues and problems.

I have been a real prick to Steph over the years.  When we first started, I was not really ready to move on from my previous relationship.  As a result, I treated her poorly and took her for granted.  Even through all of that she loved me and only wanted her future to be with me.  I guess I thought that would always be the case.  Lately, I have been angry about Steph giving up on us.  It has made me say some pretty awful things.  I guess all I can say about that is Steph giving up on us feels like the end of all my dreams.  I may never have love again.  I may never have children...it is just hard for me to take, and I have handled it poorly, lashing out at her.  When my first wife said, "We may need to think about divorce," I threw a couch across the room.  From my point of view, you never accept surrender in a marriage.  You never even think about giving up.  Once you do, it is the beginning of the end.  The other thing that is a problem is that I want good things for Steph.  That sounds great, but what it often means is that I try to help her improve herself (a constant quest of hers).  The trouble there is Steph was raised by a very strong feminist woman in a very male dominated profession.  She was taught that if a man is trying to help you or has opinions on the way you are doing things, he is trying to dominate and oppress you.  Frustration eventually turned my kind helping hand into a hammer, and Steph felt like I was just trying to break her down.  That coupled with my frustrations, loneliness, the loss of my own personal goals and dreams because of her decisions has made me say some truly terrible things to her and create some pretty awkward situations for our friends.  I apologized to Steph about this publicly on Facebook and privately, but I would like to do so now as well.  I am sorry to all of you who have had to witness me lashing out.

Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have noticed that I am being exceptionally complimentary of Steph in social media these days.  She actually confronted me about this.  She believed it was an attempt to stake my claim on her.  She saw what was an attempt, on my part, to be more publicly affectionate as having darker underlying purposes.  Well, I can say with some certainty that is not the case.  I had given Steph her space on social media.  It was her bastion to do with as she pleased and to act like whoever she wanted with anyone she cared to.  I decided that, since it has become such a large part of her life, I should take part rather than separate myself.  I am not trying to stake my claim on her as property, but rather to be a positive part of her life in any way that I can.  I clarify this because of the schism between my candor here and my apparently only talking about positive things there.  I realize I also post a lot of "we are breaking up" song lyrics to a private group and that may seem like I am hiding something, but the truth is, I do love her deeply, that is not fake.  I am also torn up that she is leaving and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.  I am not being disingenuous in either arena.  I am trying to make an effort to say nice things about her publicly, rather than being an ass.  I also am hurting and do not wish to drag her family, friends, acquaintances or even her through that.  They believe (because this is what Steph tells them) that I am angry and sullen for no real  reason and that she is happy and going out and partying to get away from her angry (because he is crazy) husband.  She has told them that she rarely goes out (which in her defense has become more true of late) and that I am angry that she is not with me every waking moment.  The truth is for a long time she was going out quite a bit and coming home at 4 and 5 in the morning even when she had to open the next day at work.  I do not wish to lie for her or hold anything back from those that care about me, but if she wishes to deceive her friends, it is not my place to shatter that illusion.

I had a recent epiphany about Steph that I want to share, and should she read this, all the better, but I imagine after my last blog, she may have no interest.

Steph is truly obsessed with Marilyn Monroe.  She uses the term obsessed about everything from coffee to whatever new music artist she has become infatuated with, but I think this is an actual correct use of the word, obsession.  Steph relates deeply with Marilyn.  She was a beautiful, sensual woman who was much smarter than she was given credit for because of the way she looked (and pretended to be).  She died by herself (possibly by her own hand) feeling misunderstood, unloved and utterly, utterly alone having chosen career over love on a number of occasions.  I believe that this has made an indelible archetype on the female psyche.  So many women I have met believe that you can only have love and family or a career, and no matter how many women I may point to as people that clearly have done both, many women seem to believe that it is impossible to balance ones life with family and career.  It would seem since, now that so many women are working and indeed, many are the bread-winners of the household (over 40 percent of couples and climbing if I remember correctly), that this would be easier for people to believe.  I wholeheartedly do believe that a modern woman can have both.  I have never wanted to get in the way of my spouse's career.  In fact, for Steph, I am willing to move, should her work require her to, despite our family support and dear friends.

Many would ask, "Why would it be a problem to be married to Marilyn Monroe?  You would be the envy of every man on the planet."  This is true, but that is the last thing a Marilyn would want.  Marilyn did not want to be arm candy for her man.  She wanted a partner.  Marilyn Monroe was a lie, a persona Norma Jean created.  But, Marilyn was always Marilyn in interviews or Hollywood parties...she never got to be herself.  She made everything about sex and then was frustrated that everyone just wanted her for sex.  She was never given any respect for her accomplishments or intellect because she was just seen as having gotten everything from her sex-symbol status.  When she married Joe DiMaggio, she was the one who talked about wanting a family and to be a home-maker.  History seems to say that he tried to force her into that role and was upset when all of New York saw her underwear during her famous white dress scene.  Perhaps that is true.  Perhaps he tried to force the home-maker apron on a woman that wanted to act and create art, but maybe he did that partially because it was what she said she wanted.  Maybe, for a time there Marilyn got tired of pretending to be Marilyn and just wanted to be herself away from the limelight.  Arthur Miller wrote entire books about how frustrated he was that she lived a lie.  He wrote a movie for her, in which the character she played was basically Marilyn Monroe.  She had a line where she talked about her "persona" as a joke, as something she wanted to get away from.  When they divorced he railed against how much she seemed to hate this persona she was pretending to be.  Maybe, Arthur Miller saw glimpses behind the mask when Marilyn wasn't just trying to pretend to be what everyone wanted.  Maybe he loved the real her, but she would never truly open up to him.  Then Marilyn went off and studied acting with Stella Adler and the like.  She wanted to be taken as a serious actress, not just a two dimensional comedic device.  She wanted to earn respect for something more than just being attractive.  With the affair with JFK, it seemed she wanted more, but all he wanted was sex.  That was all anyone ever wanted from her.  The tragedy is that she created that circumstance.  She dressed, acted, talked and created her sex-pod persona and did such a good job of making everyone around her happy, she could never escape it.  Which is not to say that men are not animals or above reproach and that every woman in an unfavorable circumstance is "asking for it", but in this specific case, the Marilyn persona was Marilyn's biggest problem in her only being seen as a sex symbol.  Meanwhile, she wrote some very interesting poetry.  To numb the pain of loneliness and the regret of pushing away those that wanted to know the real her, she took many prescription drugs, drank and partied.  She ended her life alone, too drugged up to finish any of the projects she was working on.  She  showed up late to sets and when she did show up, she was too out of it from numbing her pain to even say her lines or do her job.  The sad thing is, she got what she wanted in terms of her career and fame and her priorities.  She had massive movie contracts, the adoration of fans and a career that could have spanned decades after her untimely death.  But, it would appear to me, she never let a single person in.  She was never really honest with a human being, including herself.

As far as I know, that is all factually accurate (aside from some of my inferences).  I won't insult my wife by making direct correlations, but I will say this...I see my wife heading down that road.  I watch her say things to me that I imagine Marilyn said to Joe or Arthur, and I want better for my wife than what Marilyn felt.  I don't want her to have the same frustrations and questions about whether or not she really earned what she got or if it came because people are attracted to her.  I don't want her walking away from our marriage and feeling like she made the mistake Marilyn made with Joe DiMaggio (as Marilyn felt later in life).  I want her to believe that there is greater happiness available to her than partying and career.  Marilyn may have felt that was enough at one point, but at the end, all she could do was self-medicate herself through the end of her life.  I am not saying everyone in the world needs love to be happy, but I think it is important for SOMEONE to know the real you, rather than just glimpses and that having the whole world want you sexually is not nearly as validating as having one person love you for who you really are.

Again, I have often been heavy handed in HOW I tell my wife that I am concerned about her.  I have even sought retribution for all of the pain she has caused me and that is not fair.  Should we fail, I know it is completely my fault for not correctly handling all of the issues that come with being married to a Marilyn.  But, even if it is too late and I am out of her life, I still want better for her.  I want her to be happy...Truly happy...Not comfortably numb.

every journey begins with but a single step

My wife, Steph just started a blog.  I thought I might as well.

We are having some serious problems and have for a while.  I am writing a memoir about my struggle with cancer and what it did to us, my family and friends.  That is kind of designed to help people understand the psychological effects of what an extreme cancer patient goes through and what it does to those around them as well.  This is in an attempt to simply get my feelings out there on the day to day.  I will make an effort not to bash my wife for mistakes she has made or how bad things are between us, but should people want to know how I am feeling these days, this will be a good place to look, as I have the time on my hands to express things.  I will warn you, things may often be a bit dark, maybe sexual, maybe a bit hard to read.  If that is not your cup of tea, feel free to avoid the blog.

I worked out really hard today.  I have avoided it in the past, as even when I feel good working out since my surgery and recovery from cancer, my body has gone through so much trauma, that I am incapable of doing anything for several days afterward.  My liver and kidney function are not great, so toxins in my body have trouble being processed.  They also had to remove several of my lymph nodes, so things don't move around like they should.  I no longer care about the consequences and I will get into why in a bit.  First, some background.

I used to love working out.  As, some of you may remember me in high school and through most of college,  I took pride in my body.  When the cancer started to grow in me like a large baby pressing against my spine, I was in too much pain to continue.  Also if I raised my arm at the wrong angle, my back would go into spasms sending me into convulsions on the floor.  I hated that.  I always like to be in shape.  I like to be strong and confident that should a physical challenge arise, I would be ready.  Even if it is just helping a friend move something heavy, or carrying my wife to bed to make love in very athletic ways.  I have not been able to say I was in that kind of shape for several years now, and it effects my self worth.  Not because I wish I looked better or was hit on more, but because I miss being able to dunk, or know that I could.  I miss knowing that if my wife's purse was stolen, I could chase the guy down and beat the tar out of him.  I miss being a man.

Over the past nearly couple of years, I have tried working out many many times.  I had been assured now that the cancer was out of me, my back would be fine.  I think a big part of the problem was that they had to cut through my abdomenal wall with a massive incision that goes nearly from stem to sternum (the stem being my penis) to get the largest of the lumps and it never quite healed right.  This means my back is not receiving the counterbalance it should, either it receives little to no tension from my severely weakened abs or incredible tension from my stomach tightening in the severe pain I still feel.  That coupled with the fact that I am in debilitating pain for several days after I exert myself, since my body cannot properly filter my blood, means, I spend most days sitting on the couch, playing music, writing or watching tv and playing videogames.

I wanted to avoid severe pain for two reasons, neither of them having anything to do with me.  I wanted to be as spry and physically able to do whatever Steph might want to do, should she want to go out and do something or even on the off chance that she would want to make love, I wanted to be at full availability.  Frankly, it happens infrequently, so I do not wish to be out of commission during the few times she is up for either wanting to go out with me or have sex with me.  The other reason, is Steph has had to deal with me in severe pain for years now.  When I am in pain I am either introspective, trying to turn it off and ignore it and make it go away, or I am surly and short tempered.  Both of these made Steph not want to be around me when I finally got off my pain killers.  I wanted to mitigate the amount of pain I was in by not exerting myself.

I realized today, that there is no use.  So, tomorrow I will be in extreme, excruciating pain.  For those of you who have spent any amount of time in hospitals, my pain level will be about an 8.  But, when everyday it is a seven, the small bump is not going to make a difference.  I have made a real effort to make people believe I am getting better and being more active.  I am going on long walks and riding the stationary bike Steph's parents gave us nearly every day.  I have said to many people that I will be able to go back to work soon.  It is true that I will, but not because I am any better or in any less pain.  I am going back to work by sheer force of will.  If you have been around me lately and I seem more active and capable of standing longer and doing more things, it is not because I am feeling any better, but because with every step, I overcome the pain that would keep me down.  I am even trying to act like I am doing better in front of Steph...she had been the one person I was actually honest with about how I felt.  I was even honest with my body language.  She hated that.  I would act so chipper and good with guests or friends, but when we were alone, I would slump over in either introspection and meditation or lash out with surliness.  Lately, I have been trying to act better around her, though I feel no better.  I do not believe she has noticed.  She has been patient with me, but she sees me sitting around doing very little, and thinks I am a waste of space.  She does not see that it is all geared around her.  Well, tomorrow I will be in severe pain, but that is only slightly worse than what I am used to.  Tomorrow I will be impossible to be around, but that is only slightly worse than what Steph is used to.

I don't want to give the impression that Steph is uncaring or does not love me anymore.  It is understandable that her tactic has been to run away from me and us when I am so hard to be around, treat her poorly and don't appear to be doing anything for myself.  But this working out that I am going to start doing, and doing hard, is not for her.  It is not even to give me something constructive to do to better myself.  It is totally and completely for one reason.  I want to hurt myself, but in a way that is socially acceptable.  In a way that will make people happy rather than worried.  I am not gonna start drinking hard or doing cocaine, I am going to work out an unhealthy amount just for the pain.  When the woman you love more than anyone in the world thinks you are worthless it causes a lot of emotional pain. Now, to her credit, she is mostly right.  I am not fun or easy to be around.  I am not doing any interesting things with my life right now.  I am just getting by and recovering.  The only people that can stand to be around me are those that dearly love me, and Steph forces herself to be around me more than anyone else.  It has to get old for her being around such a surly, nasty man.  Recently she admitted to me that she is not sure she wants a future for us, and that was about the hardest news I have had to take.  It was worse than hearing I may never be able to have children or even wondering if she is cheating on me.  Understanding that it makes sense she feels that way doesn't make me feel any better, in fact it makes me feel worse.  Since it seems like I can't do anything about that right now, I am just going to put myself in a lot of physical, "healthy" pain.  I am going to make my outsides match my insides.