Even "Blurred Lines" should not be crossed

You may be asking yourself, "Why is he talking about a pop song?  Normally this blog talks about some pretty serious stuff."  Well, I actually will be doing so, but recently one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away, and, frankly, I want to talk about anything else rather than how I feel about that right now.  

I recently watched an episode of Glee where they discussed the merits of twerking.  In said episode, Jane Lynch's character mentioned the song Blurred Lines.  She said something along the lines of it being about date rape.  I repeated this to a lady friend of mine and she said, "That song is not about date rape, it is about seduction".  That truly bothered me, but I could not figure out why.  I have hated that song since it came out, which seems strange, it is just a stupid pop song, why would I let it get to me?  I gave it some thought, and here is what I came up with.  

First off, let's go through some of the lyrics, I will apologize to any of you that feel, as I do, that most pop music is mostly pop and very little music these days.

OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature

In other words, you have a boyfriend, and you have tried to make a life with him, but you and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals and there are only a few animals in nature that are monogamous, so why fight it?

Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey

This line is what we call a rhetorical fallacy.  He is basically saying, I won't constrain you like your man does, but when did the girl ever say that she felt constrained?  

You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

Again, this is making the assumption that she doesn't want marriage (papers) and that her man is trying to constrain her.  

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl

She has not said anything about wanting the guy in the situation.  He has just decided that she "wants it"

Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic

This is complimentary, but irrelevant.

Talk about getting blasted

Ah ha, his confidence, or should I say over-confidence, comes from you being drunk...making more sense in the situation.

I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl

He keeps saying she is a good girl, she must have mentioned having a significant other...to me this sounds like a girl who just wants to dance and he is reading things that aren't there.

The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

Admittedly the girl he is with is crossing some kind of physical boundary that suggests that the singer is taking to mean she is interested, but in the date rape vs seduction argument, I think Jane Lynch is far closer to correct.

Here is why I hate this song.  I have had experience with being in Robin Thicke's position.  I have encouraged girls to cheat on their significant others with me.  I am not at all proud of it, but it is the truth.  The difference here is after I did it, I was ashamed.  I didn't go and write a song about it.  I am not picking on Robin Thicke, I am sure he did not write the song, but this kind of mentality seems prevalent in music right now.  I hear songs about rockers and rappers taking guys girlfriends and having their way with them.  There will always be douchebags in the world (and music attracts more than most other areas--I should know I am a musician and an ex-douche), and that does not surprise me, what bothers me is that many women like these songs and encourage that behavior.  Moreover, they seem to think it is sexy and seductive.  The tragedy of it is that the woman I was talking to does not understand the difference between being pushed into having sex when you know it is wrong and don't want to and seduction.  Ladies, seduction is a gentleman's game.  It involves two people who are attracted to each other and want to have sex.  It has to do with doing something or many impressive things to court a woman's affections with the goal of a physical relationship.  A gentleman's job is to make you comfortable however he can.  That can mean getting in a fight with a guy when that is all he can comprehend, or having sex with a pretty lady, if that is what she wants; it doesn't mean that he is not a strong man.  It is hard to be a gentleman in this day in age when it is not rewarded or looked on as manly.  Sinatra was a gentleman, and you can read about his life:  He was no less of a man for being a gentleman.  

Now don't get me wrong, this is not about sexism.  You could turn everything I am saying into the reverse for women in a relationship with a man or a gay couple.  I abhor anyone that encourages someone that has a significant other to cheat on the person that they love regardless of gender or sexual preference.  I can only speak to my experience and I do not deign to think I know what it is like to be a gay man or a woman or (even less) a gay woman.  I do know what it is like to be a gentleman in a world where women often seem to PREFER ungentlemanly action.  

Some of the biggest regrets in my life involve cheating.  I cheated on a significant, other once.  I also encouraged a couple of girls in my long and sordid history to sleep with me while they were still with their significant others.  There is nothing I regret more than those actions.  Encouraging a girl to cheat is horrific.  You take advantage of a possible lull in a relationship.  Every relationship in the world has peaks and valleys and things that the couple has to get through without outside influence.  If you proposition a girl that is in a relationship, sure you may get lucky.  You may get to be her revenge for something she is mad at with her significant other or a low point in her relationship with her man, but you basically ruin their chance to work it out or part amicably for your own selfish reasons.  In my defense, when I encouraged girls to cheat, I convinced myself it was because they were better off without their significant other (without knowing much about their relationship, of course).  I figured, if she is willing to cheat, she is going to, it might as well be with me.  I can tell you, if there is a Hell, I deserve to be in the house down the street from Hitler.  That is how seriously I take this subject.  I feel like cheating on someone that loves you is just about the worst thing a person can do to another person.  I would rather get shot in a vital organ than get cheated on, or indeed ever cheat again.  Helping another person do it, encouraging them to do it against their will (or even with their consent), or helping to put them in that situation is even worse in my book than the act itself.  That is NOT seduction, ladies.  Just because a man can talk your panties off better than your man at home, that does not mean you should be with him instead.  

Here is part of my point:  A boyfriend, if he is good to you, gives you massages, cares about you and at least half-listens about your day.  He will rub your feet even when he himself is so tired he just wants to pass out.  He'll cook the one or two dishes he knows how to.  He will wash your car.  He will help you pay down a credit card debt or support you through school.  A boyfriend or husband will tell you he loves you every day, even when he is mad at you.  He will tell you you are beautiful.  He will buy you flowers.  He will watch your shows with you, even though he hates them.  In other words, he will put in the work to earn your affections.  In my opinion, even a lover is willing to put in the work, though, for different reasons.  The douchebag you are dancing on in the bar will say whatever it takes to get you in the sack.  He will buy you shots so that you make bad decisions.  That is not work, that is date rape.  That is not what should be rewarded with affections.  The former, that is seduction.  The latter, that is just trying to (pardon my French) fuck you.  There is a big difference.  

I am not saying that women don't occasionally want and (in some cases) need to get hit on to feel good about themselves.  I am not arguing that there should not be a time and a place for all things.  But all things should be done in moderation. Even drinking too much water (the healthiest thing in the world) can kill you.  As Chef, from South Park, was so fond of saying, "Children, there is a time and a place for everything, and it is called, 'College'".  If you have chosen to be with someone, be with them; be with them with all of yourself.  If you want to be single, put on your big girl pants and say so.  While you are with a guy, that is not the time to go out and hit on guys and "grab" them in such a way that makes them feel like "you must wanna get nasty".  And guys, when a girl says, "You are cute, but I have  a boyfriend," that is not code for "work harder at getting me naked".  Even if you can tell that is what she means, have some honor, some self-respect and some love for your fellow man and step on to the next girl down the bar.  

As I said, I have cheated on a girlfriend once.  I slept with people while dating other people before we got to boyfriend/girlfriend status or while I was "on a break" with people, and I regret that, but literally nothing is worse than cheating on someone or being cheated on.  I can say that as a man who has had his testicle jammed with a quarter inch needle with no pain killers and had that thing grind around in there while my back spasmed from the pain.  I will say it again.  There is no worse pain in the world than cheating on someone or being cheated on.  When I cheated, it was because I felt like the relationship with the girl was over.  That does not make it okay.  If I had broken up with the girl and the next day gone out and did whatever I felt like, that would be morally reprehensible, but something I could live with.  It is not something I will ever do again.  The way I see it, people cheat on their significant other for either selfish reasons, or cowardice.  The selfish reasons include something like, "Well, I am doing this for me and what she doesn't know can't hurt her".  In terms of cowardice, this is what I mean.  Maybe you are looking for a way out of your relationship, and cheating on your significant other seems like a pretty good way of to force the end.  Maybe you have not had the courage to admit to yourself that you want out of a relationship until you are presented with options.  A courageous person would take that information and go home and talk to their significant other before cheating on them.  A coward would run to the arms of another.  

Anyway, that is why I hate the song.  Thank you for letting me vent.  I hope you enjoyed it, and agree or disagree, that is my point of view as someone that has been on both sides of that issue.