First off I would like to apologize to friends and family that use this blog as a pulse to determine how I am doing. Recently two of the best men I have ever known passed away and some things at home happened that completely changed my perception of life. Normally, I would work that kind of thing out here, but the nature of it was intensely personal and private and affected more people than just myself, so I opted to keep my mouth shut. Once the dust settles I will be less cryptic and discuss exactly what I am talking about, but for now, please accept my apology for my silence.
I recently read a blog posted to my wife's wall by a person I have very little respect for and after reading the blog, I have even less. The title is something along the lines of, "Reasons You Will Never Do Anything Great With Your Life". The thesis is that while everyone else is living in mediocrity, the writer of the blog is improving himself and challenging himself, making mistakes, going out of comfort zones and destroying other people's arguments. That would be fascinating if we all lived on separate islands and did not interact with human beings on a regular basis. The truth is living a life of constantly breaking boundaries and societal norms is quite selfish. It is true that self improvement is important, but there should be a balance in one's life. As a counter argument, I would present the concept of many in body, one in mind. No matter how strong a single person is, if he is faced with an army of people with a single goal, the army is almost certainly stronger. I believe the argument that is being made is that most people do not care about what they are doing and the writer is deeply passionate in the pursuit of truth. The failure of the argument is that the writer believes he must pursue that truth by himself only. Many hands make for light work. Together each can achieve more. These are cliched phrases that basically mean, "If you want to succeed, the best way to do that is swallow your pride and ask for help."
I know that I will always be stronger than people that feel this way. I have some of the greatest friends, family and loved ones on the planet. As I have been going through all of the struggles I have, the love and support from my friends and family who read this (and even those who don't) has bolstered my strength. As I have made clear, the real support I wanted was from my partner, so I have forgotten to see that she is the one person that does not have faith in me. Everyone else on the planet seems to love and support me. Whenever I look out, I see a sea of people that look at what I have gone through and are in awe of the fact that I am still standing and still creating artistically. Everyone else sees me and sees incredible strength--a warrior. I have been so fixated on the fact that I am not getting the support I want from one source, that I have forgotten to seek it elsewhere. I have been a fool and I have been limiting myself. And, that is my point: I am strong because I have my friends, when I try to improve myself on my own, I will ALWAYS be weaker than when I seek help. If I asked, they would probably literally move a mountain for me. They do this because they love me and care about me. They know that I need them even when I am too proud to ask for help. And every last one of them believe that I am a strong and wonderful man who deserves the effort. I need to embrace that strength. One person may be stronger, faster, smarter, more well read, more attractive, etc. But, one person is not stronger than my friends that would go through Hell with me. Many of them have. They have stood right by me and loved me as I have lost myself to pain and depression and continued to love me through it, even when I did not have the strength to love them back. I would take any one of those good people with their boring jobs and good life choices over any person that thinks they have achieved greatness because they have worked so hard on themselves (by themselves). My loving friends individually are better than those that see every other person on the planet as a rival and every helping hand as a jibe at their abilities. Greatness is having the strength to help others improve, not focusing on one's self. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." When I heard the song, "All You Need Is Love", I thought the Beatles were talking about relationships. If you pay even the slightest bit of attention to the lyrics, you will notice, they are talking about life. Every one of my friends gets it. Being strong means loving others and protecting them, and making sure you hurt them as little as possible. Being strong is not being better than someone and being able to prove it by out arguing them, but giving and being able to receive more love and have a bigger heart than another. That is the measure of a man. A man like that may never do great things noticed by the world, but he will do great things for those directly around him and impact all he touches positively.
Society is not the enemy. People rant and rave about the media and that we are all being oppressed and that life is shit. They simply do not see. Civilization keeps us in check. Every person on the planet has some dark desires. So many people think that to deny those is to suppress part of themselves. That is not so. Making sure that you do not give in to hurting others even when you have the urge to is strength. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to overcome it. A good man is not one that has not ever thought about pushing someone into an oncoming train, wanted to randomly haul off and punch someone, thought about cheating on his wife or steal from a store. A good man is a person who has had those urges, realized they were wrong and let them go. Why did he do that? Because he knows it would hurt others. If he pushed someone into a train, not only would he be ending that person's life but harming everyone who cared about that person. If he steals from a store with enough consistency and others do too, the store will go out of business and no one will have have the pleasure of shopping there and everyone that worked there will be out of a job. Doing whatever you want to do and forgetting about the consequences means you don't care about others. Civilization and society force us to be with other people. Going out and making mistakes and only caring about one's self means people will get hurt. Yes, eventually you will learn hard lessons, but there is a way of doing it while not hurting those around you. The best way to learn something is to teach it. And, the best way to teach is to care about the subject and the student's needs. If you have ever had the pleasure of running a classroom or mentoring someone you know that. You will find yourself uttering the phrase, "I feel like I am getting more out of this than I am giving". Love is the same. Helping someone, caring for someone and being a friend to someone can only make you stronger and better while you lift them up to achieve in turn.
Throughout my experience, I have been focused on my wife. I have wanted to try to make things up to her. She went through so much, and I wanted to give back to her. She has not let me and that disheartens me. When you couple that with the physical lack of energy that I have found pervasive with all the cancer survivors I have talked to, the weakness and impotence I feel is immeasurable. Here is the closest way I can equate it to someone that has not been through it. The feeling a regular person has when they are trying to force themselves to go to the gym when they are a little sick or just do not feel like it. They struggle with it. They try to make deals with themselves to barter for a different day. If they are strong enough, they go anyway and may not have a great work out, but feel good about it. That is how I feel every day just trying to get out of bed to clean the house or run errands. The difference is, generally after a person forces themselves to work out when they don't feel like it, they feel good...I just feel drained getting out of bed every day. And it is a constant, never-ending struggle. There is no break. There is no point when I just feel good. But, that is my point. That is not weakness, that is strength. Not only am I forcing myself to get stuff done every day, I am now working out pretty hard 4 days a week. I could try to do that on my own, I could try to use every ounce of will that I possess. And often that is how I get it done, but what has made the real difference? The love and support of people like my mom, Stacey Newman, Paul Wick, Randy Crisman, Andrea Baumgartner, Sean Donahoe, Jeremy Champe, Colin and Kat, Amy and Jeff, Kenny Smith and too many more to name. My strength, my ability to succeed is not based on myself alone, but my friends' love.
It is past time I embraced that. It is also past time I gave back to my dearest friends that love me. I want to be the selfless man that I once was. I want to feed their strength as they have fed mine. The writer of that blog may be more successful and more attractive than me. Perhaps he, the person that posted it on my wife's wall or people like them can even earn my wife's love better than I can at this point. But if that is their way of thinking, they will always be limited by their own attributes. They can only ever see the world around them as a harsh place where no one is there for them that they can rely on. Maybe they are better than everyone around them. Maybe they are stronger and faster and more intelligent: But they also go through life alone even when they are with people. They see their neighbor as a rival or someone to outwit and not a friend that wishes to help them. I wish them good luck in their pursuits. My strength will only be limited by the love I give, the love I receive and the strength of my friends and their friendship. With that as my rock, I am indefatigable. I may lose individual battles against such people, but in the war for happiness and success, I can only be victorious. And that is the only fight truly worth winning.
That is, of course all my opinion. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the writer of the blog and those like him are correct and they must focus on themselves because they are alone in this world. If and when they have a girlfriend, wife or partner, they will compete with even them. I guess I would rather live in a world of love and trust and be wrong than live in a world of constant battle with everyone I meet. I would rather lay down my sword and embrace a rival as a friend then spend my life sharpening my blade for a battle that may never come. That does not mean I am not working on myself. I am doing so harder than ever, but my first priority is loving those who love me. That seems to be more effective than how I have been spending my time. Perhaps we are all on different roads to the same thing and I have the good fortune to have a different experience, making me choose to see friends instead of rivals. I cannot say. I do not know the answers to life, as my history clearly points out. I have failed more than I have succeeded. But generally when I fail, it is when I forget to love those around me. And I guess it depends how you grade failure. For me, the main thing should be are you happy, content, and are you loved? Money, things, achievements should be secondary (sometimes that is hard to remember). That grading allows me to look at the shambles that is my life currently and realize that I am one of the most successful people on the planet. I am deeply loved by many, so thank you to all of you for all of the amazing things I have done in my life that no one will ever see.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
It's Me, Isn't It?
For me, and many others (probably mostly men) how often you have sex in a relationship is a good barometer for how the relationship is doing. The truth is, over time, a relationship always has less and less sex (at least it does for me). There are fireworks at the beginning, but, given a few years, they fizzle.
I partially blamed my divorce from my previous wife on lack of sex. From my point of view, when the sex life dies, so does the relationship. This time around from day one, I made sex a large priority of what we talk about. I did this not just because I am a horny old goat (which I am), but also because I really wanted things to work. I am not certain which is the cause and which is the effect, but I do know you can control when you have sex, emotions are harder to control. I read several articles from relationship counselors talking about stagnation in a relationship. Their advice was to start scheduling sex at regular intervals. This is, of course not very romantic. From Steph's point of view, this is akin to rape. That is not an exaggeration, those are her words. Steph has her reasons for feeling that way, and out of respect to her privacy, I will not go into them. Suffice it to say, the conversation is over on the subject. I see us drifting farther and farther apart as the days between sexual encounters become weeks, the weeks become months and so on. It seems, if I want to remain in this relationship, I will have to take a vow of celibacy. Because Steph also tells me that her sexual appetite is very large, I have assumed (wrongly, as she assures me) that she is seeking her satisfaction elsewhere. It is not an assumption that the attentions of other guys are far more rewarding than any flirtation I give her. That is not a jibe or insult, but a sad fact. She needs to feel as though everyone is attracted to her and I can never be enough to satiate that. No matter how much she may value my opinion, it is not more important to her than everyone else's. I was too flirtatious with people outside of my marriage the first time. As a result, coupled with the fact that my ex-wife and I rarely had sex at the end of the relationship, she naturally assumed I was cheating on her. I never did. Not once. Steph promises me that she never has either, and I have come around to believing her.
I remember how things started and at this point it makes me sad. We had a voracious appetite for one another. She would give me road head, her hands were always all over me, even in public, we had sex nearly every night we spent together. Now, it feels like, from her point of view, sex has become a chore to be avoided. Maybe that is my fault for trying to make it so important rather than letting it happen organically. The trouble there is, I have had enough relationships where the love life fizzles where I tried to let things happen organically, that I simply did not want that to happen again. Maybe it is a question of extremes. Early on, I did not try at all. This time, I tried too hard. I do not know. I can say this, I called it from day one. I can read our old Facebook messages, and I warned her that exactly what has happened would if we did not make it a priority to try to keep our physical relationship alive. I have tried everything I can think of. Asking her what she likes outside of the bedroom, facilitating her desires, and trying to mix things up so that they do not become stale. I have tried. When she has said things like, "When we have a legitimate title on our relationship, I will be more comfortable in having sex." We put a title on it and we had sex less often. She said, "When we move in together, we will be able to have more sex." We moved in together and had less sex. "When we live together without roommates, I will be more comfortable in having sex more often." Our roommates moved out and we lived together for a short time and had sex far less often. "When we get married...", or "When you are well...", or, now, "When we are not fighting and happy..." History does not look favorably on the prospect that when her conditions are met, she will actually end up being more comfortable. These conditions appear to be more excuses than anything else, and as soon as they are met, the next excuse is invented. If something is important to you, you will make time for it and not allow obstacles to get in your way. If something is not important to you and you do not want to seem like you are deficient, it is easiest to make excuses. The truth is, if we could go back to how we were at the beginning, we would likely be happy. Happy couples and couples in love, are very physical with each other. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg. As a couple has less and less sex, they get more resentful and distant with one another. But are they not having sex because they are unhappy, or are they unhappy because they are not having sex. Steph believes happiness comes first. History has a different story. When we first started out, we had horrific fights about our mutual flirtation problems, yet we still had sex very often. We were a new couple and in the "honeymoon phase", but I would have liked to have seen all of the pillars of our relationship grow. Our attraction to one another to have been fed by our love and mental closeness. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the way it has worked out.
I am angry at Steph for all that has happened. I am angry about all of the lies and bad decisions. That said, I love her more than I did when we first met. I know her better than I did when we first met. When we talk, we have deep and interesting conversations based on the fact that we know each other. Steph often still treats me like someone that does not know her, qualifying things as you would with a stranger and giving explanations of her personality. She talks to so many people about all kinds of things, it is likely a deeply ingrained habit and what I am hearing her say is a simple, rehearsed repetition of what she said to many before me. From my point of view, it discredits our level of mental intimacy. What I mean by that is she would say something like, "Because I am a person that truly cares about their job, it really matters to me that my managers like me so much. So, this recent raise makes me feel good about myself as a person." I want to say, "Hello, I have known you for over seven years, you don't have to introduce your personality to me." The sad thing is, as much as I know her better than I did when we first met, and love her more than I did when we first met, that has only fueled MY sexual desire for her. In her case, she also knows me better and loves me more, but HER sexual appetite for me has waned. She told me, at the beginning that is how she felt. That her desire would increase as our relationship became stronger. That sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but that it gets fueled by really knowing someone. In other words physical intimacy is fueled by spiritual and mental intimacy. I completely agree with that, but our current situation tells a different story. Steph may think she feels that way, but the truth is the most physical we ever were was when we knew and felt the least about one another. And that is not by my choice.
Given my history and that this is not my first rodeo, I am left to conclude that the problem is me. Sort of like, Taylor Swift and all of her breakup songs, saying the guy is such an asshole... Well, Taylor, if you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, it may be that you are either seeking out that problem or creating it yourself. That is the only conclusion I can make that makes any sense. A handful of very different women in very different circumstances and I have ended up in the same place sexually. The only conclusion I can make is that I am the constant. I am aware of few and far between couples that remained very physical and affectionate with one another over many many years. I had always believed that the problem was the woman I was with. Men will always want sex, so it is logical to assume that a couple does not have sex because the woman is not interested. I feel as though I have a diverse enough sample to disprove that hypothesis. I suppose, the truth is, I start to employ a "why bother" standpoint. If I know when I make a supreme effort and it is left unrewarded, I am discouraged to do so again. Maybe that is a big part of why the sexual part of our relationship dies. Maybe I am just uninteresting. Maybe I care too much and desperation is a foul cologne. Maybe I just don't believe in myself anymore and women enjoy confidence. I am left with that thought. The problem is me. Maybe from day one, that has been the issue. As I said in my previous post, I base a lot of my self worth on the love and affections of the woman I love and if there is not one specifically in my life, women in general. When I am not getting any, well, I believe I am worthless as a man. That is why it bothers me so much. I know a lot of the secret in my man-whore days was to not let rejection affect me at all, I would just move on to the next girl down the bar. When there is only one available girl and no next one to move to, then rejection is all I get and from someone who loves me and knows me, it is a million times worse. I wish that wanting Steph because I know and love her was attractive to her, but it is not. She, and likely every other woman I have been with in the long term, see it as desperation, because it is so important to me that we have a strong physical relationship. She may not have helped, but our lack of physical intimacy is my fault.
I partially blamed my divorce from my previous wife on lack of sex. From my point of view, when the sex life dies, so does the relationship. This time around from day one, I made sex a large priority of what we talk about. I did this not just because I am a horny old goat (which I am), but also because I really wanted things to work. I am not certain which is the cause and which is the effect, but I do know you can control when you have sex, emotions are harder to control. I read several articles from relationship counselors talking about stagnation in a relationship. Their advice was to start scheduling sex at regular intervals. This is, of course not very romantic. From Steph's point of view, this is akin to rape. That is not an exaggeration, those are her words. Steph has her reasons for feeling that way, and out of respect to her privacy, I will not go into them. Suffice it to say, the conversation is over on the subject. I see us drifting farther and farther apart as the days between sexual encounters become weeks, the weeks become months and so on. It seems, if I want to remain in this relationship, I will have to take a vow of celibacy. Because Steph also tells me that her sexual appetite is very large, I have assumed (wrongly, as she assures me) that she is seeking her satisfaction elsewhere. It is not an assumption that the attentions of other guys are far more rewarding than any flirtation I give her. That is not a jibe or insult, but a sad fact. She needs to feel as though everyone is attracted to her and I can never be enough to satiate that. No matter how much she may value my opinion, it is not more important to her than everyone else's. I was too flirtatious with people outside of my marriage the first time. As a result, coupled with the fact that my ex-wife and I rarely had sex at the end of the relationship, she naturally assumed I was cheating on her. I never did. Not once. Steph promises me that she never has either, and I have come around to believing her.
I remember how things started and at this point it makes me sad. We had a voracious appetite for one another. She would give me road head, her hands were always all over me, even in public, we had sex nearly every night we spent together. Now, it feels like, from her point of view, sex has become a chore to be avoided. Maybe that is my fault for trying to make it so important rather than letting it happen organically. The trouble there is, I have had enough relationships where the love life fizzles where I tried to let things happen organically, that I simply did not want that to happen again. Maybe it is a question of extremes. Early on, I did not try at all. This time, I tried too hard. I do not know. I can say this, I called it from day one. I can read our old Facebook messages, and I warned her that exactly what has happened would if we did not make it a priority to try to keep our physical relationship alive. I have tried everything I can think of. Asking her what she likes outside of the bedroom, facilitating her desires, and trying to mix things up so that they do not become stale. I have tried. When she has said things like, "When we have a legitimate title on our relationship, I will be more comfortable in having sex." We put a title on it and we had sex less often. She said, "When we move in together, we will be able to have more sex." We moved in together and had less sex. "When we live together without roommates, I will be more comfortable in having sex more often." Our roommates moved out and we lived together for a short time and had sex far less often. "When we get married...", or "When you are well...", or, now, "When we are not fighting and happy..." History does not look favorably on the prospect that when her conditions are met, she will actually end up being more comfortable. These conditions appear to be more excuses than anything else, and as soon as they are met, the next excuse is invented. If something is important to you, you will make time for it and not allow obstacles to get in your way. If something is not important to you and you do not want to seem like you are deficient, it is easiest to make excuses. The truth is, if we could go back to how we were at the beginning, we would likely be happy. Happy couples and couples in love, are very physical with each other. But which comes first, the chicken or the egg. As a couple has less and less sex, they get more resentful and distant with one another. But are they not having sex because they are unhappy, or are they unhappy because they are not having sex. Steph believes happiness comes first. History has a different story. When we first started out, we had horrific fights about our mutual flirtation problems, yet we still had sex very often. We were a new couple and in the "honeymoon phase", but I would have liked to have seen all of the pillars of our relationship grow. Our attraction to one another to have been fed by our love and mental closeness. Unfortunately that does not seem to be the way it has worked out.
I am angry at Steph for all that has happened. I am angry about all of the lies and bad decisions. That said, I love her more than I did when we first met. I know her better than I did when we first met. When we talk, we have deep and interesting conversations based on the fact that we know each other. Steph often still treats me like someone that does not know her, qualifying things as you would with a stranger and giving explanations of her personality. She talks to so many people about all kinds of things, it is likely a deeply ingrained habit and what I am hearing her say is a simple, rehearsed repetition of what she said to many before me. From my point of view, it discredits our level of mental intimacy. What I mean by that is she would say something like, "Because I am a person that truly cares about their job, it really matters to me that my managers like me so much. So, this recent raise makes me feel good about myself as a person." I want to say, "Hello, I have known you for over seven years, you don't have to introduce your personality to me." The sad thing is, as much as I know her better than I did when we first met, and love her more than I did when we first met, that has only fueled MY sexual desire for her. In her case, she also knows me better and loves me more, but HER sexual appetite for me has waned. She told me, at the beginning that is how she felt. That her desire would increase as our relationship became stronger. That sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but that it gets fueled by really knowing someone. In other words physical intimacy is fueled by spiritual and mental intimacy. I completely agree with that, but our current situation tells a different story. Steph may think she feels that way, but the truth is the most physical we ever were was when we knew and felt the least about one another. And that is not by my choice.
Given my history and that this is not my first rodeo, I am left to conclude that the problem is me. Sort of like, Taylor Swift and all of her breakup songs, saying the guy is such an asshole... Well, Taylor, if you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, it may be that you are either seeking out that problem or creating it yourself. That is the only conclusion I can make that makes any sense. A handful of very different women in very different circumstances and I have ended up in the same place sexually. The only conclusion I can make is that I am the constant. I am aware of few and far between couples that remained very physical and affectionate with one another over many many years. I had always believed that the problem was the woman I was with. Men will always want sex, so it is logical to assume that a couple does not have sex because the woman is not interested. I feel as though I have a diverse enough sample to disprove that hypothesis. I suppose, the truth is, I start to employ a "why bother" standpoint. If I know when I make a supreme effort and it is left unrewarded, I am discouraged to do so again. Maybe that is a big part of why the sexual part of our relationship dies. Maybe I am just uninteresting. Maybe I care too much and desperation is a foul cologne. Maybe I just don't believe in myself anymore and women enjoy confidence. I am left with that thought. The problem is me. Maybe from day one, that has been the issue. As I said in my previous post, I base a lot of my self worth on the love and affections of the woman I love and if there is not one specifically in my life, women in general. When I am not getting any, well, I believe I am worthless as a man. That is why it bothers me so much. I know a lot of the secret in my man-whore days was to not let rejection affect me at all, I would just move on to the next girl down the bar. When there is only one available girl and no next one to move to, then rejection is all I get and from someone who loves me and knows me, it is a million times worse. I wish that wanting Steph because I know and love her was attractive to her, but it is not. She, and likely every other woman I have been with in the long term, see it as desperation, because it is so important to me that we have a strong physical relationship. She may not have helped, but our lack of physical intimacy is my fault.
Monday, January 13, 2014
My Heart is my Castle
I know it is unhealthy, but a lot of my self worth is based on my romantic status. If I am in love, I am happy. I know that is an external force and outside of my control. This is part of why I focus so much on getting my relationship in order. A lot of my friends express anything from displeasure, to concern about the fact that I care so much about what is going on in my relationship with my wife, Steph. Their advice is often, you need to work on you. Get yourself in order, get a job, start working out again, etc. The trouble is, I do not currently believe in myself in the slightest. The thing that matters most in the world to me, my relationship with the woman I love, is in tatters, so I do not think I am worthy of anything. And my foundation in life is built around love. Without that, I am building castles on sand.
The question is, how do you pull yourself out of a slump. Baseball players deal with this almost religiously. There are ceremonies they perform and practices they do, but I don't know how you fix something when you are not given the tools you need and you have no belief in yourself. Periods in my life of intense success are surrounded by being happy in a relationship. Without that, I usually just tread water. Sex has been a stop gap for me in the past. I would have sex with tons of women and that would make me feel like I am worthwhile for a bit...in the end I felt worse than I did before, though. The sad thing is, even that is not available to me. A few recent exchanges with Steph made it pretty clear to me that we will not be having sex for quite some time (and it has been a very long time since we had sex with any regularity). If I had not had my previous experiences, I might go online to some of the "cheating" websites and find myself a willing participant, but I cannot do that, as I know it would only make me feel even worse. I am utterly disheartened and do not have my usual ways of coping with it.
Here is what I am getting at. My life has always had its fair share (and maybe more than that) of disappointment. In the past, I could say, "Well, my grandfather died, who took over the job of teaching me how to be a man after my father passed, but at least I am married to a wonderful, intelligent woman". Or, "I am twenty-four years old and divorced. I let down the woman who was most important to me. But, at least I am having sex with a lot of beautiful women". Or even, "My acting career seems to be non-existant. I can't get a movie off the ground, but Stephanie believes in me and still wants me sexually. I guess I am not a complete failure." I don't have any of that. I would love to be able to say, "I am in constant pain and worried about our future, but my wife is making solid efforts to help encourage me to grow. Through all of this she has supported me and loves me. I can tell by her effort and love that we will get through all of this." I would even take, "I have failed at nearly everything I have tried during the last 5 years, but my wife still thinks I am attractive enough to have sex with me." Instead, all I have is the failures and pain with no "at least...".
I recently watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I really enjoyed it. It was a story of hope and the cinematography was beautiful. After watching it, I was very sad, though. Like Yes Man, or Joe Versus the Volcano and so many other movies, a man goes out and does crazy things in the middle of a hum-drum life. He lives a life of drudgery and some impetus creates a new hunger for life that gives him a new perspective and he ends up with the girl. Sometimes, like in the case of Mitty, the girl is a large part of that action. Well, that is similar to how I am. I get happy either because I am having lots of sex or I am in love and I want to share that happiness with the world. I become more social, I start to do crazy, impetuous, and fun things. I seek success in art and business and life. But, when things are going poorly, I shut down, I become introverted and I lose all faith in the concept that I can get anything done. The trouble is, being in the slump only makes it worse. Who would love me like this? I am mopey, sad and down on myself. Those are not sexy qualities.
I have talked to Steph about this and her only advice has been to "man up". She wants me to stop whining and complaining and "show her why she fell in love with me in the first place". I have asked her for help: A little faith or for her to try a little to give me hope. At this point, I would even take her changing her profile picture to something with the two of us rather than her cleavage and pierced tongue. She believes she has tried, but I do not need her to organize an event for me and then show up just before it starts tired from days on end of going out and drinking, I need her to really try, not just throw something together and put in minimal effort. To me, that is worse than not even doing anything. But, Steph really caring is hard for her when I give her no reason to. I can't give her reason to when I don't believe in myself. It makes me feel worse to know that if I could only make myself be happy, she might actually come back to me, but the thing that would make me happy is for her to come back to me. I can't seem to manufacture happiness elsewhere.
I am not really looking for advice. I have gotten lots of it. I have been told to get a job, because then I would feel better about myself. I have been told to write and do something artistic and that is part of why I write this blog, play the songs I wrote, am writing a novel, finished my memoir, tried to make a movie happen, etc. etc. Steph believes I will be happy if I just become more social, which I have been trying to do. I have tried to work out so that my body does not so constantly disappoint me. I am seeking peace through Buddhism and reflection. I am doing a lot of the things that people recommend and more recommendations would likely only serve to frustrate me. I know what would make me happy. The same thing that always has. "A man's home should be his castle." That is a cliched sentiment around the idea that the world will likely beat you down and be frustrating. A man will likely go out to the world and be disappointed in many ways. When he comes home, things should be in order and he should have the respect and admiration of his loved ones. That would be nice, but I am not nearly so old-fashioned to think that would satiate me. For me, my heart is my castle. The rest of the world can turn its back on me and I will laugh, if I have love from a good woman to cling to. Perhaps someday I will have that again, and all my friends will have "the old Alec back".
The question is, how do you pull yourself out of a slump. Baseball players deal with this almost religiously. There are ceremonies they perform and practices they do, but I don't know how you fix something when you are not given the tools you need and you have no belief in yourself. Periods in my life of intense success are surrounded by being happy in a relationship. Without that, I usually just tread water. Sex has been a stop gap for me in the past. I would have sex with tons of women and that would make me feel like I am worthwhile for a bit...in the end I felt worse than I did before, though. The sad thing is, even that is not available to me. A few recent exchanges with Steph made it pretty clear to me that we will not be having sex for quite some time (and it has been a very long time since we had sex with any regularity). If I had not had my previous experiences, I might go online to some of the "cheating" websites and find myself a willing participant, but I cannot do that, as I know it would only make me feel even worse. I am utterly disheartened and do not have my usual ways of coping with it.
Here is what I am getting at. My life has always had its fair share (and maybe more than that) of disappointment. In the past, I could say, "Well, my grandfather died, who took over the job of teaching me how to be a man after my father passed, but at least I am married to a wonderful, intelligent woman". Or, "I am twenty-four years old and divorced. I let down the woman who was most important to me. But, at least I am having sex with a lot of beautiful women". Or even, "My acting career seems to be non-existant. I can't get a movie off the ground, but Stephanie believes in me and still wants me sexually. I guess I am not a complete failure." I don't have any of that. I would love to be able to say, "I am in constant pain and worried about our future, but my wife is making solid efforts to help encourage me to grow. Through all of this she has supported me and loves me. I can tell by her effort and love that we will get through all of this." I would even take, "I have failed at nearly everything I have tried during the last 5 years, but my wife still thinks I am attractive enough to have sex with me." Instead, all I have is the failures and pain with no "at least...".
I recently watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I really enjoyed it. It was a story of hope and the cinematography was beautiful. After watching it, I was very sad, though. Like Yes Man, or Joe Versus the Volcano and so many other movies, a man goes out and does crazy things in the middle of a hum-drum life. He lives a life of drudgery and some impetus creates a new hunger for life that gives him a new perspective and he ends up with the girl. Sometimes, like in the case of Mitty, the girl is a large part of that action. Well, that is similar to how I am. I get happy either because I am having lots of sex or I am in love and I want to share that happiness with the world. I become more social, I start to do crazy, impetuous, and fun things. I seek success in art and business and life. But, when things are going poorly, I shut down, I become introverted and I lose all faith in the concept that I can get anything done. The trouble is, being in the slump only makes it worse. Who would love me like this? I am mopey, sad and down on myself. Those are not sexy qualities.
I have talked to Steph about this and her only advice has been to "man up". She wants me to stop whining and complaining and "show her why she fell in love with me in the first place". I have asked her for help: A little faith or for her to try a little to give me hope. At this point, I would even take her changing her profile picture to something with the two of us rather than her cleavage and pierced tongue. She believes she has tried, but I do not need her to organize an event for me and then show up just before it starts tired from days on end of going out and drinking, I need her to really try, not just throw something together and put in minimal effort. To me, that is worse than not even doing anything. But, Steph really caring is hard for her when I give her no reason to. I can't give her reason to when I don't believe in myself. It makes me feel worse to know that if I could only make myself be happy, she might actually come back to me, but the thing that would make me happy is for her to come back to me. I can't seem to manufacture happiness elsewhere.
I am not really looking for advice. I have gotten lots of it. I have been told to get a job, because then I would feel better about myself. I have been told to write and do something artistic and that is part of why I write this blog, play the songs I wrote, am writing a novel, finished my memoir, tried to make a movie happen, etc. etc. Steph believes I will be happy if I just become more social, which I have been trying to do. I have tried to work out so that my body does not so constantly disappoint me. I am seeking peace through Buddhism and reflection. I am doing a lot of the things that people recommend and more recommendations would likely only serve to frustrate me. I know what would make me happy. The same thing that always has. "A man's home should be his castle." That is a cliched sentiment around the idea that the world will likely beat you down and be frustrating. A man will likely go out to the world and be disappointed in many ways. When he comes home, things should be in order and he should have the respect and admiration of his loved ones. That would be nice, but I am not nearly so old-fashioned to think that would satiate me. For me, my heart is my castle. The rest of the world can turn its back on me and I will laugh, if I have love from a good woman to cling to. Perhaps someday I will have that again, and all my friends will have "the old Alec back".
Monday, January 6, 2014
the last chapter of my memoir
I finished my memoir late last night after a fight with Steph. I am really happy with it. it was therapeutic at times. Sometimes, it made me very angry, remembering how awful things have been. In general, it made me think about all we have been through. It reminded me of the good and the bad. That said, I will not be able to publish it. Steph comes off poorly, and it is a little too honest. I am pretty sure if Steph's parents or family (or anyone we mutually know for that matter) ever saw it...well, let's just say things would be worse. I may publish under a nom de plume and change all the names. I wanted to write it so that people that cared about us would really get a chance to hear exactly what was going on and how it affected us. But now I realize that kind of honesty is not really comfortable for Steph. So instead of publishing the memoir, I am going to put the last chapter here and decide what to do with the rest. enjoy...
Chapter 10: In a fight, both sides are wrong and both sides are right
I have tried to be as fair and honest with this as I can be, not only saying my feelings but demonstrating Steph’s justifications and reasons for her actions. At the end of the day, this is a memoir and from my point of view. I could try to invent the reasons for all of Steph’s actions, but the truth is, I don’t understand them fully myself (and if I am completely honest, I don’t think she does either). The focal point of this book was meant to be the difficult recovery and how it has affected me and my relationship. I can only write what I know and remember from my point of view and with my memories.
Steph had to deal with so much while I was sick. I kept her up late with my vomiting and bathroom emergencies. She stayed by me in the hospital and slept every night for months on a super uncomfortable chair/bed. She fought for me with the doctors and nurses when I could not fight for myself. All the while, she tried to be strong for our families and tried to pass what little information we had to them. That was often frustrating for her, but she had to mask that when she spoke to them, as they were frustrated and she had to be the strong one. She watched me on my deathbed and did it with a smile mere months after our wedding. That drove her to want to go out and have a little fun for herself after doing everything for me. Happiness and connecting with people have become the priority in her life and career. This is because there was no happiness and she was utterly alone while she was taking care of me while I was sick.
In her mind, this was just something she was doing for herself before we got our lives back on track. It was her belief, it was all going to stop once she got pregnant and we had a child. Then we found out that we probably could not do that and definitely could not do it naturally. As a result, she was more despondent and needed to go out even more. Beyond that, without the specter of our future family as a goal, I did not seem worth it to her as I was simply angry all of the time. I was no fun to be around and Steph needed fun after all of the horror I had put her through.
You may be reading this and think that Stephanie has been selfish. She did leave me alone when I needed her most, but you have to ask yourself, in those given circumstances, how would you react? Everyone has coping mechanisms. Some of Steph’s big ones are getting hit on by guys, getting crushes on musicians, social media and going out and drinking. No coping mechanism is healthy. How would you handle it? Anything done in moderation can be healthy, and yes, Steph has gone to a really far extreme, but the situation she was in was equally extreme. Everything she has done is understandable. That does not make it any easier or me to deal with. In fact, it makes it worse for me. I know the cancer diagnosis and how I have acted are the causes for everything Steph has done over the last few years. That is a truly earth-shattering realization and an extremely bitter pill to swallow.
Steph now treats me like I am worthless. From her point of view, I am. That is not me being hard on myself, that is just an honest look at the situation. Think about it. I don’t offer her sexual satisfaction, I am not the breadwinner, I am not doing anything with my life or time…I am useless. That is hard for me to take, but from her point of view it is the truth. So, what has she asked of me to fix the situation? She has told me to “Man up”. I have tried to explain that is hard to do when she has absolutely no faith in me or belief that things will get better.
So what is our prognosis now that I am in full remission? I honestly don’t know. Steph has explained to me that her priority is to have fun and be happy. She wants to be truly happy not just based on external sources or influences. This is the kind of happiness and centeredness discussed in Buddhist philosophy where good or bad external forces occur in one’s life, but that does not define the person’s life state. She does not see how we can be happy together so maybe we can be happy apart. That said, through all of the hell of my treatment and surgery and the subsequent two years of “emotional abuse” (her words) I have given her, she is still here. Perhaps she is not fighting for us anymore, but she also has not given up. She is tired, she has had to carry the weight alone a long time and now she thinks that she is the only one who can. My concern is that she has no faith in others. She believes that if you put your faith in someone they will only let you down. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, how can I “Man up”? I don’t know. I am defeated. Yes, Steph has had to go through a lot over the last three years, but so have I. I would like to say that while there is still love, you should never give up. I threw a couch across the room when my last wife brought up divorce for the first time. But at that point in my life, I was young and strong. Now I am weak and broken. The trouble is both of us are too exhausted to fight for us. I don’t know that either of us are prepared to give up, but I am not sure if either of us has the strength, energy or faith to keep fighting. I will try. I will double my efforts. I will ask my wife what she means by “man up” more than I already have and I have asked her to have more faith in me, but the truth is what reason have I given her to believe in me over the course of the last three years?
I wanted this to be a story of hope. I wanted to be able to end this memoir by saying, things were hard for me, but I am healthy and things were tough in our relationship, but we are stronger in love now than we ever were. That was the direction I thought things were going. If I wrote a movie version of our story, that is how it would end, but life does not seem to be like that for me. Life is a marathon. I have hit several walls, nearly drowning at a young age, losing my father, losing my grandfather, getting divorced, losing a good-paying job, getting cancer and now watching the love of my life slip through my fingers and being frustrated at myself for not having the strength to stop it. This “recovery” was far worse than anything I went through in treatment. I was told that after my surgeries, my back pain would be gone and there was only a twenty percent chance I would be sterile. Well, my back pain is still horrible, I have massive abdominal pain and I do not produce sperm. My life will never be able to get back on the track that it was on.
That said, hope is not gone. I will keep fighting to get my life and my wife back. I did not let death take me when it was so inviting and I will not let my exhaustion win. I no longer hold the young man’s dream that an easy life can be earned, but that does not mean that life is not worth living. Steph and I still love each other despite everything we have been through. I will not “Just be happy I am alive” as so many people invite me to do…no, I have more to live for than that. I have the hope to cling to that I can have a deep and abiding love with a woman that went through Hell with me. That is something special no matter what the circumstances are. That chance gives me the strength to carry on and that is more than I deserve.
If you have read this, I love you unconditionally. Thank you for your support and attention, I now count you as a dear friend.
So that is the last chapter. Unfortunately, that is all that will publish as Alec Fairey with the names the same.
Chapter 10: In a fight, both sides are wrong and both sides are right
I have tried to be as fair and honest with this as I can be, not only saying my feelings but demonstrating Steph’s justifications and reasons for her actions. At the end of the day, this is a memoir and from my point of view. I could try to invent the reasons for all of Steph’s actions, but the truth is, I don’t understand them fully myself (and if I am completely honest, I don’t think she does either). The focal point of this book was meant to be the difficult recovery and how it has affected me and my relationship. I can only write what I know and remember from my point of view and with my memories.
Steph had to deal with so much while I was sick. I kept her up late with my vomiting and bathroom emergencies. She stayed by me in the hospital and slept every night for months on a super uncomfortable chair/bed. She fought for me with the doctors and nurses when I could not fight for myself. All the while, she tried to be strong for our families and tried to pass what little information we had to them. That was often frustrating for her, but she had to mask that when she spoke to them, as they were frustrated and she had to be the strong one. She watched me on my deathbed and did it with a smile mere months after our wedding. That drove her to want to go out and have a little fun for herself after doing everything for me. Happiness and connecting with people have become the priority in her life and career. This is because there was no happiness and she was utterly alone while she was taking care of me while I was sick.
In her mind, this was just something she was doing for herself before we got our lives back on track. It was her belief, it was all going to stop once she got pregnant and we had a child. Then we found out that we probably could not do that and definitely could not do it naturally. As a result, she was more despondent and needed to go out even more. Beyond that, without the specter of our future family as a goal, I did not seem worth it to her as I was simply angry all of the time. I was no fun to be around and Steph needed fun after all of the horror I had put her through.
You may be reading this and think that Stephanie has been selfish. She did leave me alone when I needed her most, but you have to ask yourself, in those given circumstances, how would you react? Everyone has coping mechanisms. Some of Steph’s big ones are getting hit on by guys, getting crushes on musicians, social media and going out and drinking. No coping mechanism is healthy. How would you handle it? Anything done in moderation can be healthy, and yes, Steph has gone to a really far extreme, but the situation she was in was equally extreme. Everything she has done is understandable. That does not make it any easier or me to deal with. In fact, it makes it worse for me. I know the cancer diagnosis and how I have acted are the causes for everything Steph has done over the last few years. That is a truly earth-shattering realization and an extremely bitter pill to swallow.
Steph now treats me like I am worthless. From her point of view, I am. That is not me being hard on myself, that is just an honest look at the situation. Think about it. I don’t offer her sexual satisfaction, I am not the breadwinner, I am not doing anything with my life or time…I am useless. That is hard for me to take, but from her point of view it is the truth. So, what has she asked of me to fix the situation? She has told me to “Man up”. I have tried to explain that is hard to do when she has absolutely no faith in me or belief that things will get better.
So what is our prognosis now that I am in full remission? I honestly don’t know. Steph has explained to me that her priority is to have fun and be happy. She wants to be truly happy not just based on external sources or influences. This is the kind of happiness and centeredness discussed in Buddhist philosophy where good or bad external forces occur in one’s life, but that does not define the person’s life state. She does not see how we can be happy together so maybe we can be happy apart. That said, through all of the hell of my treatment and surgery and the subsequent two years of “emotional abuse” (her words) I have given her, she is still here. Perhaps she is not fighting for us anymore, but she also has not given up. She is tired, she has had to carry the weight alone a long time and now she thinks that she is the only one who can. My concern is that she has no faith in others. She believes that if you put your faith in someone they will only let you down. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, how can I “Man up”? I don’t know. I am defeated. Yes, Steph has had to go through a lot over the last three years, but so have I. I would like to say that while there is still love, you should never give up. I threw a couch across the room when my last wife brought up divorce for the first time. But at that point in my life, I was young and strong. Now I am weak and broken. The trouble is both of us are too exhausted to fight for us. I don’t know that either of us are prepared to give up, but I am not sure if either of us has the strength, energy or faith to keep fighting. I will try. I will double my efforts. I will ask my wife what she means by “man up” more than I already have and I have asked her to have more faith in me, but the truth is what reason have I given her to believe in me over the course of the last three years?
I wanted this to be a story of hope. I wanted to be able to end this memoir by saying, things were hard for me, but I am healthy and things were tough in our relationship, but we are stronger in love now than we ever were. That was the direction I thought things were going. If I wrote a movie version of our story, that is how it would end, but life does not seem to be like that for me. Life is a marathon. I have hit several walls, nearly drowning at a young age, losing my father, losing my grandfather, getting divorced, losing a good-paying job, getting cancer and now watching the love of my life slip through my fingers and being frustrated at myself for not having the strength to stop it. This “recovery” was far worse than anything I went through in treatment. I was told that after my surgeries, my back pain would be gone and there was only a twenty percent chance I would be sterile. Well, my back pain is still horrible, I have massive abdominal pain and I do not produce sperm. My life will never be able to get back on the track that it was on.
That said, hope is not gone. I will keep fighting to get my life and my wife back. I did not let death take me when it was so inviting and I will not let my exhaustion win. I no longer hold the young man’s dream that an easy life can be earned, but that does not mean that life is not worth living. Steph and I still love each other despite everything we have been through. I will not “Just be happy I am alive” as so many people invite me to do…no, I have more to live for than that. I have the hope to cling to that I can have a deep and abiding love with a woman that went through Hell with me. That is something special no matter what the circumstances are. That chance gives me the strength to carry on and that is more than I deserve.
If you have read this, I love you unconditionally. Thank you for your support and attention, I now count you as a dear friend.
So that is the last chapter. Unfortunately, that is all that will publish as Alec Fairey with the names the same.
Monday, December 30, 2013
What a piece of work is man
Yes I have played Hamlet and, and no that is not what this post is about. This one is about morality and the competing theories that man is inherently good and the world corrupts him and that man is an animal and society civilizes him.
Until recently it was my opinion that people had an inherent moral barometer. This isn't to say that people do no wrong, but I used to believe that when a person does wrong it is because they choose to. That said, people still do wrong and believe themselves to be right...perhaps they cannot see the unintended consequences or perhaps their world view is distorted in such a way that they believe wrong can be justified. Though it may not be evident after my last post, I try not to judge people. I have always held the belief that no matter what a person does, they are trying to do right and they have their reasons for whatever I may deem as bad or malicious. My point is, even Hitler had justifications for his actions and as much as I do not agree with them, he believed them to be just and correct (or so I would like to believe). A well played villain in a movie or show does not see himself as a mustache-twisting, two-dimensional character, but a victim of circumstance or larger goals than the hero is capable of seeing. That argument would make it seem as though I believe man is inherently good.
I can further this argument by saying that every major religion or philosophy has a center of morality to it and most of these align. One should not rape or kill or steal and so on. If you are a religious person, then you believe your religion to be correct and the others to be wrong. Meaning, your faith was influenced by your deity, the universe or whatever and the others written by man. Well, these men seem to have come up with a lot of similar ideas on right and wrong, they simply disagree on the best way to serve their God, deity or philosophy. So these human beings must have a good deal of morality in them. If you are not religious, then you probably see yourself as a good person, and you do good things because you should and not for a supernatural reward or punishment in the after-life. This once again affirms the concept that people are good. Sure, we are occasionally tempted by the devil or negative forces, but in general we want to do the right thing.
Of course, there are sociopaths and criminal minds that will do whatever they can get away with and the only thing that keeps them in check is fear of punishment or consequences. There are a fair few people that would steal if they felt they could get away with it, but as proven in Clerks, you can leave a jar full of money out and most people will make correct change for themselves. I worked as a clerk for a number of years and many people said, "You gave me too much change," and would give me back the excess. Sure I ran into short-change artists and people that would try to flim-flam me, but people, in general, seemed to want to do what is right and fair and no more or less. Some people are mentally incapable of knowing right from wrong or have a compulsion to do wrong. Most people that do wrong, regret it and will go out of their way to correct their mis-step, even if it means inconveniencing themselves. One of the twelve steps is to apologize to people you have hurt as a result of your addiction and to try to make it right with them and if that is impossible, a higher power.
Again, it would appear that I am arguing man is inherently good and does what is right because he wants to. A couple of events recently called this into question for me. The first was a dear friend confronting me about some of the things I said in my previous post. They said, "It seems like all you do is regret all of your time partying, didn't you have fun?" I did have fun and, at the time, it seemed like the thing to do. I was hurting and I just wanted to lash out, have loads of sex (as I hadn't in my previous marriage), and basically drink and fuck the pain of failing at my marriage away. I knew I was doing wrong, but I felt like I had earned it and needed it. When I looked at the path of destruction, broken hearts, friends I had bankrupted, and general shambles I had made out of my life, I regretted having been so damned selfish.
Here is my point. I looked at the effects of my actions on other people. I thought about all of the people I had hurt for my own selfish desires and the wrong I had done seemed too much to bare. Did I have fun while doing it? Sort of. Mostly, I just felt like I was an awful person and it created a downward spiral. I felt like a bad person, so I should do bad things, I did more bad things and felt like a worse person and further down the rabbit hole I went. Was it ultimately therapeutic? Eventually it was, but mostly it was just costly on myself and others. So, in that way, the society of friends and family I created dictated my morality. If I had lived on an island of life-like, animatronic robots and booze and my choices had no consequences to people's feelings, would I have ever stopped partying? I can say I honestly don't know. Outside of this hypothetical, it was the cost of my actions on other people that cared about me that forced me to grow up and stop being so destructive and selfish.
I had never thought about it like that until I was confronted with the fact that I regret my past and asked, "Why?" I had always believed I was a good person who did the right thing simply because it was the right thing. When I had done wrong, it was in spite of myself and my own true desires. Perhaps the truth is that I wanted God, my mom, my deceased father, my friends and everyone I cared about to be proud of me. Perhaps, it was my society that made me civilized all along.
This concept was partially solidified at my dear friend, DC's memorial. A gentleman, who is very religious, named Cortez said this, "When I moved from Chicago, I prayed to God to be surrounded by great people. God wants me to be great and if I am meant to be great I need to be around great people. We tend to take on the qualities of those we associate with. The people I had fallen in with in Chicago were not the brightest and often made poor decisions, and thus, so did I. One of the first people I met in Phoenix was DC. And I said, 'Thank you, God.'" My friends and family are great people. That is not to say that they do not do bad things occasionally, no one is perfect; in general, though, they do not hurt people for no reason and are very good. I was blessed to fall in with very good, academic achieving and civically minded people from a very early age. Perhaps that is a larger part of why I want to do good rather than bad. Perhaps, the society I have created around myself has civilized me more than I give it credit for. I am very thankful for my friends and family and realize I am lucky to have them.
The last thing that called into question my previously steadfastly believed ideas on morality is something a close woman friend said. I was asking her to be a bit smarter in her bad choices. I obviously make bad choices as my first blog post denotes. For instance, this blog has caused friction in my relationship with my wife. She is upset that I am airing our dirty laundry and private thoughts and discussions. So many people gave me the advice to do something for me. My options are limited and in my current state of mind, I wanted to do something that would liberate me and allow me to write and have someone somewhere read it. I needed that as a writer and an artist. It was a destructive choice, but I felt it was the smartest dumb choice I could make. I asked my friend, "why can't you be foolish and cut-loose in such a way that you wouldn't have to hide it from your mother, your friends or me?" From my perspective, if you have to hide something you have done, it is probably not the right thing to do and will likely hurt the people around you and have bad consequences. After my experience with the divorce, I learned that in the end, that taints whatever fun I am having and makes it harder for me to enjoy myself, making me want to fill that void with even greater voracity. She told me, "I have worried about what people might think about me my whole life. I have let that dictate what I will and won't do. When I do something for me, I need to do something stupid. I need to do something people wouldn't like or it is not really cutting loose." From my point of view, doing something because people wouldn't like it is just as bad as doing something because they would. You are still letting other people run your life and dictate your actions. That said, she has made it plain to me that she does the negative things that concern me and others that care about her because they are fun to her...because She enjoys them and consequences be damned. She feels she needs to do that for her. As long as it is truly for her and not simply because it is not what people want her to do, that is probably personal growth for her, and as much as I may not agree with her actions, I stand by and support them. But if she is going out and hurting me and others just because that is not what she has done her whole life, then it is just as much of a problem and indicative of the same mindset as only doing what you are supposed to do to please them.
And, I guess, at the end of the day, that is my conclusion. I want to believe I do the right thing (and others do as well) because it is the right thing. I want to believe my moral barometer is strong and I am a thoughtful, caring person. However, there are a lot of things that I do not do simply because it would hurt my wife or others I care about. Sometimes I even do things to hurt people when I am at my darkest and most vindictive. I have talked about being an asshole and lashing out at my wife. I do not like that I do those actions, but I do them in reaction to pain and frustration. In other words, my morality and actions are based on others. I suppose my final analysis is, caring about others is important. Caring about not hurting or concerning them is just as valid as doing the right thing for its own sake. I just wish I were a better man because of who I am and not just for others, but, "No man is an island" and after all, I am just a man.
Until recently it was my opinion that people had an inherent moral barometer. This isn't to say that people do no wrong, but I used to believe that when a person does wrong it is because they choose to. That said, people still do wrong and believe themselves to be right...perhaps they cannot see the unintended consequences or perhaps their world view is distorted in such a way that they believe wrong can be justified. Though it may not be evident after my last post, I try not to judge people. I have always held the belief that no matter what a person does, they are trying to do right and they have their reasons for whatever I may deem as bad or malicious. My point is, even Hitler had justifications for his actions and as much as I do not agree with them, he believed them to be just and correct (or so I would like to believe). A well played villain in a movie or show does not see himself as a mustache-twisting, two-dimensional character, but a victim of circumstance or larger goals than the hero is capable of seeing. That argument would make it seem as though I believe man is inherently good.
I can further this argument by saying that every major religion or philosophy has a center of morality to it and most of these align. One should not rape or kill or steal and so on. If you are a religious person, then you believe your religion to be correct and the others to be wrong. Meaning, your faith was influenced by your deity, the universe or whatever and the others written by man. Well, these men seem to have come up with a lot of similar ideas on right and wrong, they simply disagree on the best way to serve their God, deity or philosophy. So these human beings must have a good deal of morality in them. If you are not religious, then you probably see yourself as a good person, and you do good things because you should and not for a supernatural reward or punishment in the after-life. This once again affirms the concept that people are good. Sure, we are occasionally tempted by the devil or negative forces, but in general we want to do the right thing.
Of course, there are sociopaths and criminal minds that will do whatever they can get away with and the only thing that keeps them in check is fear of punishment or consequences. There are a fair few people that would steal if they felt they could get away with it, but as proven in Clerks, you can leave a jar full of money out and most people will make correct change for themselves. I worked as a clerk for a number of years and many people said, "You gave me too much change," and would give me back the excess. Sure I ran into short-change artists and people that would try to flim-flam me, but people, in general, seemed to want to do what is right and fair and no more or less. Some people are mentally incapable of knowing right from wrong or have a compulsion to do wrong. Most people that do wrong, regret it and will go out of their way to correct their mis-step, even if it means inconveniencing themselves. One of the twelve steps is to apologize to people you have hurt as a result of your addiction and to try to make it right with them and if that is impossible, a higher power.
Again, it would appear that I am arguing man is inherently good and does what is right because he wants to. A couple of events recently called this into question for me. The first was a dear friend confronting me about some of the things I said in my previous post. They said, "It seems like all you do is regret all of your time partying, didn't you have fun?" I did have fun and, at the time, it seemed like the thing to do. I was hurting and I just wanted to lash out, have loads of sex (as I hadn't in my previous marriage), and basically drink and fuck the pain of failing at my marriage away. I knew I was doing wrong, but I felt like I had earned it and needed it. When I looked at the path of destruction, broken hearts, friends I had bankrupted, and general shambles I had made out of my life, I regretted having been so damned selfish.
Here is my point. I looked at the effects of my actions on other people. I thought about all of the people I had hurt for my own selfish desires and the wrong I had done seemed too much to bare. Did I have fun while doing it? Sort of. Mostly, I just felt like I was an awful person and it created a downward spiral. I felt like a bad person, so I should do bad things, I did more bad things and felt like a worse person and further down the rabbit hole I went. Was it ultimately therapeutic? Eventually it was, but mostly it was just costly on myself and others. So, in that way, the society of friends and family I created dictated my morality. If I had lived on an island of life-like, animatronic robots and booze and my choices had no consequences to people's feelings, would I have ever stopped partying? I can say I honestly don't know. Outside of this hypothetical, it was the cost of my actions on other people that cared about me that forced me to grow up and stop being so destructive and selfish.
I had never thought about it like that until I was confronted with the fact that I regret my past and asked, "Why?" I had always believed I was a good person who did the right thing simply because it was the right thing. When I had done wrong, it was in spite of myself and my own true desires. Perhaps the truth is that I wanted God, my mom, my deceased father, my friends and everyone I cared about to be proud of me. Perhaps, it was my society that made me civilized all along.
This concept was partially solidified at my dear friend, DC's memorial. A gentleman, who is very religious, named Cortez said this, "When I moved from Chicago, I prayed to God to be surrounded by great people. God wants me to be great and if I am meant to be great I need to be around great people. We tend to take on the qualities of those we associate with. The people I had fallen in with in Chicago were not the brightest and often made poor decisions, and thus, so did I. One of the first people I met in Phoenix was DC. And I said, 'Thank you, God.'" My friends and family are great people. That is not to say that they do not do bad things occasionally, no one is perfect; in general, though, they do not hurt people for no reason and are very good. I was blessed to fall in with very good, academic achieving and civically minded people from a very early age. Perhaps that is a larger part of why I want to do good rather than bad. Perhaps, the society I have created around myself has civilized me more than I give it credit for. I am very thankful for my friends and family and realize I am lucky to have them.
The last thing that called into question my previously steadfastly believed ideas on morality is something a close woman friend said. I was asking her to be a bit smarter in her bad choices. I obviously make bad choices as my first blog post denotes. For instance, this blog has caused friction in my relationship with my wife. She is upset that I am airing our dirty laundry and private thoughts and discussions. So many people gave me the advice to do something for me. My options are limited and in my current state of mind, I wanted to do something that would liberate me and allow me to write and have someone somewhere read it. I needed that as a writer and an artist. It was a destructive choice, but I felt it was the smartest dumb choice I could make. I asked my friend, "why can't you be foolish and cut-loose in such a way that you wouldn't have to hide it from your mother, your friends or me?" From my perspective, if you have to hide something you have done, it is probably not the right thing to do and will likely hurt the people around you and have bad consequences. After my experience with the divorce, I learned that in the end, that taints whatever fun I am having and makes it harder for me to enjoy myself, making me want to fill that void with even greater voracity. She told me, "I have worried about what people might think about me my whole life. I have let that dictate what I will and won't do. When I do something for me, I need to do something stupid. I need to do something people wouldn't like or it is not really cutting loose." From my point of view, doing something because people wouldn't like it is just as bad as doing something because they would. You are still letting other people run your life and dictate your actions. That said, she has made it plain to me that she does the negative things that concern me and others that care about her because they are fun to her...because She enjoys them and consequences be damned. She feels she needs to do that for her. As long as it is truly for her and not simply because it is not what people want her to do, that is probably personal growth for her, and as much as I may not agree with her actions, I stand by and support them. But if she is going out and hurting me and others just because that is not what she has done her whole life, then it is just as much of a problem and indicative of the same mindset as only doing what you are supposed to do to please them.
And, I guess, at the end of the day, that is my conclusion. I want to believe I do the right thing (and others do as well) because it is the right thing. I want to believe my moral barometer is strong and I am a thoughtful, caring person. However, there are a lot of things that I do not do simply because it would hurt my wife or others I care about. Sometimes I even do things to hurt people when I am at my darkest and most vindictive. I have talked about being an asshole and lashing out at my wife. I do not like that I do those actions, but I do them in reaction to pain and frustration. In other words, my morality and actions are based on others. I suppose my final analysis is, caring about others is important. Caring about not hurting or concerning them is just as valid as doing the right thing for its own sake. I just wish I were a better man because of who I am and not just for others, but, "No man is an island" and after all, I am just a man.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Even "Blurred Lines" should not be crossed
You may be asking yourself, "Why is he talking about a pop song? Normally this blog talks about some pretty serious stuff." Well, I actually will be doing so, but recently one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away, and, frankly, I want to talk about anything else rather than how I feel about that right now.
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
I recently watched an episode of Glee where they discussed the merits of twerking. In said episode, Jane Lynch's character mentioned the song Blurred Lines. She said something along the lines of it being about date rape. I repeated this to a lady friend of mine and she said, "That song is not about date rape, it is about seduction". That truly bothered me, but I could not figure out why. I have hated that song since it came out, which seems strange, it is just a stupid pop song, why would I let it get to me? I gave it some thought, and here is what I came up with.
First off, let's go through some of the lyrics, I will apologize to any of you that feel, as I do, that most pop music is mostly pop and very little music these days.
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
In other words, you have a boyfriend, and you have tried to make a life with him, but you and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals and there are only a few animals in nature that are monogamous, so why fight it?
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
This line is what we call a rhetorical fallacy. He is basically saying, I won't constrain you like your man does, but when did the girl ever say that she felt constrained?
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Again, this is making the assumption that she doesn't want marriage (papers) and that her man is trying to constrain her.
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Again, this is making the assumption that she doesn't want marriage (papers) and that her man is trying to constrain her.
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
She has not said anything about wanting the guy in the situation. He has just decided that she "wants it"
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
You're far from plastic
This is complimentary, but irrelevant.
Talk about getting blasted
Ah ha, his confidence, or should I say over-confidence, comes from you being drunk...making more sense in the situation.
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
He keeps saying she is a good girl, she must have mentioned having a significant other...to me this sounds like a girl who just wants to dance and he is reading things that aren't there.
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
Admittedly the girl he is with is crossing some kind of physical boundary that suggests that the singer is taking to mean she is interested, but in the date rape vs seduction argument, I think Jane Lynch is far closer to correct.
Here is why I hate this song. I have had experience with being in Robin Thicke's position. I have encouraged girls to cheat on their significant others with me. I am not at all proud of it, but it is the truth. The difference here is after I did it, I was ashamed. I didn't go and write a song about it. I am not picking on Robin Thicke, I am sure he did not write the song, but this kind of mentality seems prevalent in music right now. I hear songs about rockers and rappers taking guys girlfriends and having their way with them. There will always be douchebags in the world (and music attracts more than most other areas--I should know I am a musician and an ex-douche), and that does not surprise me, what bothers me is that many women like these songs and encourage that behavior. Moreover, they seem to think it is sexy and seductive. The tragedy of it is that the woman I was talking to does not understand the difference between being pushed into having sex when you know it is wrong and don't want to and seduction. Ladies, seduction is a gentleman's game. It involves two people who are attracted to each other and want to have sex. It has to do with doing something or many impressive things to court a woman's affections with the goal of a physical relationship. A gentleman's job is to make you comfortable however he can. That can mean getting in a fight with a guy when that is all he can comprehend, or having sex with a pretty lady, if that is what she wants; it doesn't mean that he is not a strong man. It is hard to be a gentleman in this day in age when it is not rewarded or looked on as manly. Sinatra was a gentleman, and you can read about his life: He was no less of a man for being a gentleman.
Now don't get me wrong, this is not about sexism. You could turn everything I am saying into the reverse for women in a relationship with a man or a gay couple. I abhor anyone that encourages someone that has a significant other to cheat on the person that they love regardless of gender or sexual preference. I can only speak to my experience and I do not deign to think I know what it is like to be a gay man or a woman or (even less) a gay woman. I do know what it is like to be a gentleman in a world where women often seem to PREFER ungentlemanly action.
Some of the biggest regrets in my life involve cheating. I cheated on a significant, other once. I also encouraged a couple of girls in my long and sordid history to sleep with me while they were still with their significant others. There is nothing I regret more than those actions. Encouraging a girl to cheat is horrific. You take advantage of a possible lull in a relationship. Every relationship in the world has peaks and valleys and things that the couple has to get through without outside influence. If you proposition a girl that is in a relationship, sure you may get lucky. You may get to be her revenge for something she is mad at with her significant other or a low point in her relationship with her man, but you basically ruin their chance to work it out or part amicably for your own selfish reasons. In my defense, when I encouraged girls to cheat, I convinced myself it was because they were better off without their significant other (without knowing much about their relationship, of course). I figured, if she is willing to cheat, she is going to, it might as well be with me. I can tell you, if there is a Hell, I deserve to be in the house down the street from Hitler. That is how seriously I take this subject. I feel like cheating on someone that loves you is just about the worst thing a person can do to another person. I would rather get shot in a vital organ than get cheated on, or indeed ever cheat again. Helping another person do it, encouraging them to do it against their will (or even with their consent), or helping to put them in that situation is even worse in my book than the act itself. That is NOT seduction, ladies. Just because a man can talk your panties off better than your man at home, that does not mean you should be with him instead.
Here is part of my point: A boyfriend, if he is good to you, gives you massages, cares about you and at least half-listens about your day. He will rub your feet even when he himself is so tired he just wants to pass out. He'll cook the one or two dishes he knows how to. He will wash your car. He will help you pay down a credit card debt or support you through school. A boyfriend or husband will tell you he loves you every day, even when he is mad at you. He will tell you you are beautiful. He will buy you flowers. He will watch your shows with you, even though he hates them. In other words, he will put in the work to earn your affections. In my opinion, even a lover is willing to put in the work, though, for different reasons. The douchebag you are dancing on in the bar will say whatever it takes to get you in the sack. He will buy you shots so that you make bad decisions. That is not work, that is date rape. That is not what should be rewarded with affections. The former, that is seduction. The latter, that is just trying to (pardon my French) fuck you. There is a big difference.
I am not saying that women don't occasionally want and (in some cases) need to get hit on to feel good about themselves. I am not arguing that there should not be a time and a place for all things. But all things should be done in moderation. Even drinking too much water (the healthiest thing in the world) can kill you. As Chef, from South Park, was so fond of saying, "Children, there is a time and a place for everything, and it is called, 'College'". If you have chosen to be with someone, be with them; be with them with all of yourself. If you want to be single, put on your big girl pants and say so. While you are with a guy, that is not the time to go out and hit on guys and "grab" them in such a way that makes them feel like "you must wanna get nasty". And guys, when a girl says, "You are cute, but I have a boyfriend," that is not code for "work harder at getting me naked". Even if you can tell that is what she means, have some honor, some self-respect and some love for your fellow man and step on to the next girl down the bar.
As I said, I have cheated on a girlfriend once. I slept with people while dating other people before we got to boyfriend/girlfriend status or while I was "on a break" with people, and I regret that, but literally nothing is worse than cheating on someone or being cheated on. I can say that as a man who has had his testicle jammed with a quarter inch needle with no pain killers and had that thing grind around in there while my back spasmed from the pain. I will say it again. There is no worse pain in the world than cheating on someone or being cheated on. When I cheated, it was because I felt like the relationship with the girl was over. That does not make it okay. If I had broken up with the girl and the next day gone out and did whatever I felt like, that would be morally reprehensible, but something I could live with. It is not something I will ever do again. The way I see it, people cheat on their significant other for either selfish reasons, or cowardice. The selfish reasons include something like, "Well, I am doing this for me and what she doesn't know can't hurt her". In terms of cowardice, this is what I mean. Maybe you are looking for a way out of your relationship, and cheating on your significant other seems like a pretty good way of to force the end. Maybe you have not had the courage to admit to yourself that you want out of a relationship until you are presented with options. A courageous person would take that information and go home and talk to their significant other before cheating on them. A coward would run to the arms of another.
Anyway, that is why I hate the song. Thank you for letting me vent. I hope you enjoyed it, and agree or disagree, that is my point of view as someone that has been on both sides of that issue.
Monday, December 2, 2013
I Married Marilyn Monroe
First off, I would like to thank everyone that contacted me and said words of encouragement about trying to make things work with Steph, my wife, and I. I heard many stories from couples that had been through tough times and worked it out and everything from encouragement to admonishments about my plan of attack to deal with my own issues and problems.
I have been a real prick to Steph over the years. When we first started, I was not really ready to move on from my previous relationship. As a result, I treated her poorly and took her for granted. Even through all of that she loved me and only wanted her future to be with me. I guess I thought that would always be the case. Lately, I have been angry about Steph giving up on us. It has made me say some pretty awful things. I guess all I can say about that is Steph giving up on us feels like the end of all my dreams. I may never have love again. I may never have children...it is just hard for me to take, and I have handled it poorly, lashing out at her. When my first wife said, "We may need to think about divorce," I threw a couch across the room. From my point of view, you never accept surrender in a marriage. You never even think about giving up. Once you do, it is the beginning of the end. The other thing that is a problem is that I want good things for Steph. That sounds great, but what it often means is that I try to help her improve herself (a constant quest of hers). The trouble there is Steph was raised by a very strong feminist woman in a very male dominated profession. She was taught that if a man is trying to help you or has opinions on the way you are doing things, he is trying to dominate and oppress you. Frustration eventually turned my kind helping hand into a hammer, and Steph felt like I was just trying to break her down. That coupled with my frustrations, loneliness, the loss of my own personal goals and dreams because of her decisions has made me say some truly terrible things to her and create some pretty awkward situations for our friends. I apologized to Steph about this publicly on Facebook and privately, but I would like to do so now as well. I am sorry to all of you who have had to witness me lashing out.
Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have noticed that I am being exceptionally complimentary of Steph in social media these days. She actually confronted me about this. She believed it was an attempt to stake my claim on her. She saw what was an attempt, on my part, to be more publicly affectionate as having darker underlying purposes. Well, I can say with some certainty that is not the case. I had given Steph her space on social media. It was her bastion to do with as she pleased and to act like whoever she wanted with anyone she cared to. I decided that, since it has become such a large part of her life, I should take part rather than separate myself. I am not trying to stake my claim on her as property, but rather to be a positive part of her life in any way that I can. I clarify this because of the schism between my candor here and my apparently only talking about positive things there. I realize I also post a lot of "we are breaking up" song lyrics to a private group and that may seem like I am hiding something, but the truth is, I do love her deeply, that is not fake. I am also torn up that she is leaving and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am not being disingenuous in either arena. I am trying to make an effort to say nice things about her publicly, rather than being an ass. I also am hurting and do not wish to drag her family, friends, acquaintances or even her through that. They believe (because this is what Steph tells them) that I am angry and sullen for no real reason and that she is happy and going out and partying to get away from her angry (because he is crazy) husband. She has told them that she rarely goes out (which in her defense has become more true of late) and that I am angry that she is not with me every waking moment. The truth is for a long time she was going out quite a bit and coming home at 4 and 5 in the morning even when she had to open the next day at work. I do not wish to lie for her or hold anything back from those that care about me, but if she wishes to deceive her friends, it is not my place to shatter that illusion.
I had a recent epiphany about Steph that I want to share, and should she read this, all the better, but I imagine after my last blog, she may have no interest.
Steph is truly obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. She uses the term obsessed about everything from coffee to whatever new music artist she has become infatuated with, but I think this is an actual correct use of the word, obsession. Steph relates deeply with Marilyn. She was a beautiful, sensual woman who was much smarter than she was given credit for because of the way she looked (and pretended to be). She died by herself (possibly by her own hand) feeling misunderstood, unloved and utterly, utterly alone having chosen career over love on a number of occasions. I believe that this has made an indelible archetype on the female psyche. So many women I have met believe that you can only have love and family or a career, and no matter how many women I may point to as people that clearly have done both, many women seem to believe that it is impossible to balance ones life with family and career. It would seem since, now that so many women are working and indeed, many are the bread-winners of the household (over 40 percent of couples and climbing if I remember correctly), that this would be easier for people to believe. I wholeheartedly do believe that a modern woman can have both. I have never wanted to get in the way of my spouse's career. In fact, for Steph, I am willing to move, should her work require her to, despite our family support and dear friends.
Many would ask, "Why would it be a problem to be married to Marilyn Monroe? You would be the envy of every man on the planet." This is true, but that is the last thing a Marilyn would want. Marilyn did not want to be arm candy for her man. She wanted a partner. Marilyn Monroe was a lie, a persona Norma Jean created. But, Marilyn was always Marilyn in interviews or Hollywood parties...she never got to be herself. She made everything about sex and then was frustrated that everyone just wanted her for sex. She was never given any respect for her accomplishments or intellect because she was just seen as having gotten everything from her sex-symbol status. When she married Joe DiMaggio, she was the one who talked about wanting a family and to be a home-maker. History seems to say that he tried to force her into that role and was upset when all of New York saw her underwear during her famous white dress scene. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps he tried to force the home-maker apron on a woman that wanted to act and create art, but maybe he did that partially because it was what she said she wanted. Maybe, for a time there Marilyn got tired of pretending to be Marilyn and just wanted to be herself away from the limelight. Arthur Miller wrote entire books about how frustrated he was that she lived a lie. He wrote a movie for her, in which the character she played was basically Marilyn Monroe. She had a line where she talked about her "persona" as a joke, as something she wanted to get away from. When they divorced he railed against how much she seemed to hate this persona she was pretending to be. Maybe, Arthur Miller saw glimpses behind the mask when Marilyn wasn't just trying to pretend to be what everyone wanted. Maybe he loved the real her, but she would never truly open up to him. Then Marilyn went off and studied acting with Stella Adler and the like. She wanted to be taken as a serious actress, not just a two dimensional comedic device. She wanted to earn respect for something more than just being attractive. With the affair with JFK, it seemed she wanted more, but all he wanted was sex. That was all anyone ever wanted from her. The tragedy is that she created that circumstance. She dressed, acted, talked and created her sex-pod persona and did such a good job of making everyone around her happy, she could never escape it. Which is not to say that men are not animals or above reproach and that every woman in an unfavorable circumstance is "asking for it", but in this specific case, the Marilyn persona was Marilyn's biggest problem in her only being seen as a sex symbol. Meanwhile, she wrote some very interesting poetry. To numb the pain of loneliness and the regret of pushing away those that wanted to know the real her, she took many prescription drugs, drank and partied. She ended her life alone, too drugged up to finish any of the projects she was working on. She showed up late to sets and when she did show up, she was too out of it from numbing her pain to even say her lines or do her job. The sad thing is, she got what she wanted in terms of her career and fame and her priorities. She had massive movie contracts, the adoration of fans and a career that could have spanned decades after her untimely death. But, it would appear to me, she never let a single person in. She was never really honest with a human being, including herself.
As far as I know, that is all factually accurate (aside from some of my inferences). I won't insult my wife by making direct correlations, but I will say this...I see my wife heading down that road. I watch her say things to me that I imagine Marilyn said to Joe or Arthur, and I want better for my wife than what Marilyn felt. I don't want her to have the same frustrations and questions about whether or not she really earned what she got or if it came because people are attracted to her. I don't want her walking away from our marriage and feeling like she made the mistake Marilyn made with Joe DiMaggio (as Marilyn felt later in life). I want her to believe that there is greater happiness available to her than partying and career. Marilyn may have felt that was enough at one point, but at the end, all she could do was self-medicate herself through the end of her life. I am not saying everyone in the world needs love to be happy, but I think it is important for SOMEONE to know the real you, rather than just glimpses and that having the whole world want you sexually is not nearly as validating as having one person love you for who you really are.
Again, I have often been heavy handed in HOW I tell my wife that I am concerned about her. I have even sought retribution for all of the pain she has caused me and that is not fair. Should we fail, I know it is completely my fault for not correctly handling all of the issues that come with being married to a Marilyn. But, even if it is too late and I am out of her life, I still want better for her. I want her to be happy...Truly happy...Not comfortably numb.
I have been a real prick to Steph over the years. When we first started, I was not really ready to move on from my previous relationship. As a result, I treated her poorly and took her for granted. Even through all of that she loved me and only wanted her future to be with me. I guess I thought that would always be the case. Lately, I have been angry about Steph giving up on us. It has made me say some pretty awful things. I guess all I can say about that is Steph giving up on us feels like the end of all my dreams. I may never have love again. I may never have children...it is just hard for me to take, and I have handled it poorly, lashing out at her. When my first wife said, "We may need to think about divorce," I threw a couch across the room. From my point of view, you never accept surrender in a marriage. You never even think about giving up. Once you do, it is the beginning of the end. The other thing that is a problem is that I want good things for Steph. That sounds great, but what it often means is that I try to help her improve herself (a constant quest of hers). The trouble there is Steph was raised by a very strong feminist woman in a very male dominated profession. She was taught that if a man is trying to help you or has opinions on the way you are doing things, he is trying to dominate and oppress you. Frustration eventually turned my kind helping hand into a hammer, and Steph felt like I was just trying to break her down. That coupled with my frustrations, loneliness, the loss of my own personal goals and dreams because of her decisions has made me say some truly terrible things to her and create some pretty awkward situations for our friends. I apologized to Steph about this publicly on Facebook and privately, but I would like to do so now as well. I am sorry to all of you who have had to witness me lashing out.
Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have noticed that I am being exceptionally complimentary of Steph in social media these days. She actually confronted me about this. She believed it was an attempt to stake my claim on her. She saw what was an attempt, on my part, to be more publicly affectionate as having darker underlying purposes. Well, I can say with some certainty that is not the case. I had given Steph her space on social media. It was her bastion to do with as she pleased and to act like whoever she wanted with anyone she cared to. I decided that, since it has become such a large part of her life, I should take part rather than separate myself. I am not trying to stake my claim on her as property, but rather to be a positive part of her life in any way that I can. I clarify this because of the schism between my candor here and my apparently only talking about positive things there. I realize I also post a lot of "we are breaking up" song lyrics to a private group and that may seem like I am hiding something, but the truth is, I do love her deeply, that is not fake. I am also torn up that she is leaving and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am not being disingenuous in either arena. I am trying to make an effort to say nice things about her publicly, rather than being an ass. I also am hurting and do not wish to drag her family, friends, acquaintances or even her through that. They believe (because this is what Steph tells them) that I am angry and sullen for no real reason and that she is happy and going out and partying to get away from her angry (because he is crazy) husband. She has told them that she rarely goes out (which in her defense has become more true of late) and that I am angry that she is not with me every waking moment. The truth is for a long time she was going out quite a bit and coming home at 4 and 5 in the morning even when she had to open the next day at work. I do not wish to lie for her or hold anything back from those that care about me, but if she wishes to deceive her friends, it is not my place to shatter that illusion.
I had a recent epiphany about Steph that I want to share, and should she read this, all the better, but I imagine after my last blog, she may have no interest.
Steph is truly obsessed with Marilyn Monroe. She uses the term obsessed about everything from coffee to whatever new music artist she has become infatuated with, but I think this is an actual correct use of the word, obsession. Steph relates deeply with Marilyn. She was a beautiful, sensual woman who was much smarter than she was given credit for because of the way she looked (and pretended to be). She died by herself (possibly by her own hand) feeling misunderstood, unloved and utterly, utterly alone having chosen career over love on a number of occasions. I believe that this has made an indelible archetype on the female psyche. So many women I have met believe that you can only have love and family or a career, and no matter how many women I may point to as people that clearly have done both, many women seem to believe that it is impossible to balance ones life with family and career. It would seem since, now that so many women are working and indeed, many are the bread-winners of the household (over 40 percent of couples and climbing if I remember correctly), that this would be easier for people to believe. I wholeheartedly do believe that a modern woman can have both. I have never wanted to get in the way of my spouse's career. In fact, for Steph, I am willing to move, should her work require her to, despite our family support and dear friends.
Many would ask, "Why would it be a problem to be married to Marilyn Monroe? You would be the envy of every man on the planet." This is true, but that is the last thing a Marilyn would want. Marilyn did not want to be arm candy for her man. She wanted a partner. Marilyn Monroe was a lie, a persona Norma Jean created. But, Marilyn was always Marilyn in interviews or Hollywood parties...she never got to be herself. She made everything about sex and then was frustrated that everyone just wanted her for sex. She was never given any respect for her accomplishments or intellect because she was just seen as having gotten everything from her sex-symbol status. When she married Joe DiMaggio, she was the one who talked about wanting a family and to be a home-maker. History seems to say that he tried to force her into that role and was upset when all of New York saw her underwear during her famous white dress scene. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps he tried to force the home-maker apron on a woman that wanted to act and create art, but maybe he did that partially because it was what she said she wanted. Maybe, for a time there Marilyn got tired of pretending to be Marilyn and just wanted to be herself away from the limelight. Arthur Miller wrote entire books about how frustrated he was that she lived a lie. He wrote a movie for her, in which the character she played was basically Marilyn Monroe. She had a line where she talked about her "persona" as a joke, as something she wanted to get away from. When they divorced he railed against how much she seemed to hate this persona she was pretending to be. Maybe, Arthur Miller saw glimpses behind the mask when Marilyn wasn't just trying to pretend to be what everyone wanted. Maybe he loved the real her, but she would never truly open up to him. Then Marilyn went off and studied acting with Stella Adler and the like. She wanted to be taken as a serious actress, not just a two dimensional comedic device. She wanted to earn respect for something more than just being attractive. With the affair with JFK, it seemed she wanted more, but all he wanted was sex. That was all anyone ever wanted from her. The tragedy is that she created that circumstance. She dressed, acted, talked and created her sex-pod persona and did such a good job of making everyone around her happy, she could never escape it. Which is not to say that men are not animals or above reproach and that every woman in an unfavorable circumstance is "asking for it", but in this specific case, the Marilyn persona was Marilyn's biggest problem in her only being seen as a sex symbol. Meanwhile, she wrote some very interesting poetry. To numb the pain of loneliness and the regret of pushing away those that wanted to know the real her, she took many prescription drugs, drank and partied. She ended her life alone, too drugged up to finish any of the projects she was working on. She showed up late to sets and when she did show up, she was too out of it from numbing her pain to even say her lines or do her job. The sad thing is, she got what she wanted in terms of her career and fame and her priorities. She had massive movie contracts, the adoration of fans and a career that could have spanned decades after her untimely death. But, it would appear to me, she never let a single person in. She was never really honest with a human being, including herself.
As far as I know, that is all factually accurate (aside from some of my inferences). I won't insult my wife by making direct correlations, but I will say this...I see my wife heading down that road. I watch her say things to me that I imagine Marilyn said to Joe or Arthur, and I want better for my wife than what Marilyn felt. I don't want her to have the same frustrations and questions about whether or not she really earned what she got or if it came because people are attracted to her. I don't want her walking away from our marriage and feeling like she made the mistake Marilyn made with Joe DiMaggio (as Marilyn felt later in life). I want her to believe that there is greater happiness available to her than partying and career. Marilyn may have felt that was enough at one point, but at the end, all she could do was self-medicate herself through the end of her life. I am not saying everyone in the world needs love to be happy, but I think it is important for SOMEONE to know the real you, rather than just glimpses and that having the whole world want you sexually is not nearly as validating as having one person love you for who you really are.
Again, I have often been heavy handed in HOW I tell my wife that I am concerned about her. I have even sought retribution for all of the pain she has caused me and that is not fair. Should we fail, I know it is completely my fault for not correctly handling all of the issues that come with being married to a Marilyn. But, even if it is too late and I am out of her life, I still want better for her. I want her to be happy...Truly happy...Not comfortably numb.
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