I finished my memoir late last night after a fight with Steph. I am really happy with it. it was therapeutic at times. Sometimes, it made me very angry, remembering how awful things have been. In general, it made me think about all we have been through. It reminded me of the good and the bad. That said, I will not be able to publish it. Steph comes off poorly, and it is a little too honest. I am pretty sure if Steph's parents or family (or anyone we mutually know for that matter) ever saw it...well, let's just say things would be worse. I may publish under a nom de plume and change all the names. I wanted to write it so that people that cared about us would really get a chance to hear exactly what was going on and how it affected us. But now I realize that kind of honesty is not really comfortable for Steph. So instead of publishing the memoir, I am going to put the last chapter here and decide what to do with the rest. enjoy...
Chapter 10: In a fight, both sides are wrong and both sides are right
I have tried to be as fair and honest with this as I can be, not only saying my feelings but demonstrating Steph’s justifications and reasons for her actions. At the end of the day, this is a memoir and from my point of view. I could try to invent the reasons for all of Steph’s actions, but the truth is, I don’t understand them fully myself (and if I am completely honest, I don’t think she does either). The focal point of this book was meant to be the difficult recovery and how it has affected me and my relationship. I can only write what I know and remember from my point of view and with my memories.
Steph had to deal with so much while I was sick. I kept her up late with my vomiting and bathroom emergencies. She stayed by me in the hospital and slept every night for months on a super uncomfortable chair/bed. She fought for me with the doctors and nurses when I could not fight for myself. All the while, she tried to be strong for our families and tried to pass what little information we had to them. That was often frustrating for her, but she had to mask that when she spoke to them, as they were frustrated and she had to be the strong one. She watched me on my deathbed and did it with a smile mere months after our wedding. That drove her to want to go out and have a little fun for herself after doing everything for me. Happiness and connecting with people have become the priority in her life and career. This is because there was no happiness and she was utterly alone while she was taking care of me while I was sick.
In her mind, this was just something she was doing for herself before we got our lives back on track. It was her belief, it was all going to stop once she got pregnant and we had a child. Then we found out that we probably could not do that and definitely could not do it naturally. As a result, she was more despondent and needed to go out even more. Beyond that, without the specter of our future family as a goal, I did not seem worth it to her as I was simply angry all of the time. I was no fun to be around and Steph needed fun after all of the horror I had put her through.
You may be reading this and think that Stephanie has been selfish. She did leave me alone when I needed her most, but you have to ask yourself, in those given circumstances, how would you react? Everyone has coping mechanisms. Some of Steph’s big ones are getting hit on by guys, getting crushes on musicians, social media and going out and drinking. No coping mechanism is healthy. How would you handle it? Anything done in moderation can be healthy, and yes, Steph has gone to a really far extreme, but the situation she was in was equally extreme. Everything she has done is understandable. That does not make it any easier or me to deal with. In fact, it makes it worse for me. I know the cancer diagnosis and how I have acted are the causes for everything Steph has done over the last few years. That is a truly earth-shattering realization and an extremely bitter pill to swallow.
Steph now treats me like I am worthless. From her point of view, I am. That is not me being hard on myself, that is just an honest look at the situation. Think about it. I don’t offer her sexual satisfaction, I am not the breadwinner, I am not doing anything with my life or time…I am useless. That is hard for me to take, but from her point of view it is the truth. So, what has she asked of me to fix the situation? She has told me to “Man up”. I have tried to explain that is hard to do when she has absolutely no faith in me or belief that things will get better.
So what is our prognosis now that I am in full remission? I honestly don’t know. Steph has explained to me that her priority is to have fun and be happy. She wants to be truly happy not just based on external sources or influences. This is the kind of happiness and centeredness discussed in Buddhist philosophy where good or bad external forces occur in one’s life, but that does not define the person’s life state. She does not see how we can be happy together so maybe we can be happy apart. That said, through all of the hell of my treatment and surgery and the subsequent two years of “emotional abuse” (her words) I have given her, she is still here. Perhaps she is not fighting for us anymore, but she also has not given up. She is tired, she has had to carry the weight alone a long time and now she thinks that she is the only one who can. My concern is that she has no faith in others. She believes that if you put your faith in someone they will only let you down. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, how can I “Man up”? I don’t know. I am defeated. Yes, Steph has had to go through a lot over the last three years, but so have I. I would like to say that while there is still love, you should never give up. I threw a couch across the room when my last wife brought up divorce for the first time. But at that point in my life, I was young and strong. Now I am weak and broken. The trouble is both of us are too exhausted to fight for us. I don’t know that either of us are prepared to give up, but I am not sure if either of us has the strength, energy or faith to keep fighting. I will try. I will double my efforts. I will ask my wife what she means by “man up” more than I already have and I have asked her to have more faith in me, but the truth is what reason have I given her to believe in me over the course of the last three years?
I wanted this to be a story of hope. I wanted to be able to end this memoir by saying, things were hard for me, but I am healthy and things were tough in our relationship, but we are stronger in love now than we ever were. That was the direction I thought things were going. If I wrote a movie version of our story, that is how it would end, but life does not seem to be like that for me. Life is a marathon. I have hit several walls, nearly drowning at a young age, losing my father, losing my grandfather, getting divorced, losing a good-paying job, getting cancer and now watching the love of my life slip through my fingers and being frustrated at myself for not having the strength to stop it. This “recovery” was far worse than anything I went through in treatment. I was told that after my surgeries, my back pain would be gone and there was only a twenty percent chance I would be sterile. Well, my back pain is still horrible, I have massive abdominal pain and I do not produce sperm. My life will never be able to get back on the track that it was on.
That said, hope is not gone. I will keep fighting to get my life and my wife back. I did not let death take me when it was so inviting and I will not let my exhaustion win. I no longer hold the young man’s dream that an easy life can be earned, but that does not mean that life is not worth living. Steph and I still love each other despite everything we have been through. I will not “Just be happy I am alive” as so many people invite me to do…no, I have more to live for than that. I have the hope to cling to that I can have a deep and abiding love with a woman that went through Hell with me. That is something special no matter what the circumstances are. That chance gives me the strength to carry on and that is more than I deserve.
If you have read this, I love you unconditionally. Thank you for your support and attention, I now count you as a dear friend.
So that is the last chapter. Unfortunately, that is all that will publish as Alec Fairey with the names the same.
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