My Heart is my Castle

I know it is unhealthy, but a lot of my self worth is based on my romantic status.  If I am in love, I am happy.  I know that is an external force and outside of my control.  This is part of why I focus so much on getting my relationship in order.  A lot of my friends express anything from displeasure, to concern about the fact that I care so much about what is going on in my relationship with my wife, Steph.  Their advice is often, you need to work on you.  Get yourself in order, get a job, start working out again, etc. The trouble is, I do not currently believe in myself in the slightest.  The thing that matters most in the world to me, my relationship with the woman I love, is in tatters, so I do not think I am worthy of anything.  And my foundation in life is built around love.  Without that, I am building castles on sand.

The question is, how do you pull yourself out of a slump.  Baseball players deal with this almost religiously.  There are ceremonies they perform and practices they do, but I don't know how you fix something when you are not given the tools you need and you have no belief in yourself.  Periods in my life of intense success are surrounded by being happy in a relationship.  Without that, I usually just tread water.  Sex has been a stop gap for me in the past.  I would have sex with tons of women and that would make me feel like I am worthwhile for a bit...in the end I felt worse than I did before, though.  The sad thing is, even that is not available to me.  A few recent exchanges with Steph made it pretty clear to me that we will not be having sex for quite some time (and it has been a very long time since we had sex with any regularity).  If I had not had my previous experiences, I might go online to some of the "cheating" websites and find myself a willing participant, but I cannot do that, as I know it would only make me feel even worse.  I am utterly disheartened and do not have my usual ways of coping with it.

Here is what I am getting at.  My life has always had its fair share (and maybe more than that) of disappointment.  In the past, I could say, "Well, my grandfather died, who took over the job of teaching me how to be a man after my father passed, but at least I am married to a wonderful, intelligent woman".  Or, "I am twenty-four years old and divorced.  I let down the woman who was most important to me.  But, at least I am having sex with a lot of beautiful women".  Or even, "My acting career seems to be non-existant.  I can't get a movie off the ground, but Stephanie believes in me and still wants me sexually.  I guess I am not a complete failure."  I don't have any of that.  I would love to be able to say, "I am in constant pain and worried about our future, but my wife is making solid efforts to help encourage me to grow.  Through all of this she has supported me and loves me.  I can tell by her effort and love that we will get through all of this."  I would even take, "I have failed at nearly everything I have tried during the last 5 years, but my wife still thinks I am attractive enough to have sex with me."  Instead, all I have is the failures and pain with no "at least...".

I recently watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  I really enjoyed it.  It was a story of hope and the cinematography was beautiful.  After watching it, I was very sad, though.  Like Yes Man, or Joe Versus the Volcano and so many other movies, a man goes out and does crazy things in the middle of a hum-drum life.  He lives a life of drudgery and some impetus creates a new hunger for life that gives him a new perspective and he ends up with the girl.  Sometimes, like in the case of Mitty, the girl is a large part of that action.  Well, that is similar to how I am.  I get happy either because I am having lots of sex or I am in love and I want to share that happiness with the world.  I become more social, I start to do crazy, impetuous, and fun things.  I seek success in art and business and life.  But, when things are going poorly, I shut down, I become introverted and I lose all faith in the concept that I can get anything done.  The trouble is, being in the slump only makes it worse.  Who would love me like this?  I am mopey, sad and down on myself.  Those are not sexy qualities.

I have talked to Steph about this and her only advice has been to "man up".  She wants me to stop whining and complaining and "show her why she fell in love with me in the first place".  I have asked her for help: A little faith or for her to try a little to give me hope.  At this point, I would even take her changing her profile picture to something with the two of us rather than her cleavage and pierced tongue.  She believes she has tried, but I do not need her to organize an event for me and then show up just before it starts tired from days on end of going out and drinking, I need her to really try, not just throw something together and put in minimal effort.  To me, that is worse than not even doing anything.  But, Steph really caring is hard for her when I give her no reason to.  I can't give her reason to when I don't believe in myself.  It makes me feel worse to know that if I could only make myself be happy, she might actually come back to me, but the thing that would make me happy is for her to come back to me.  I can't seem to manufacture happiness elsewhere.

I am not really looking for advice.  I have gotten lots of it.  I have been told to get a job, because then I would feel better about myself.  I have been told to write and do something artistic and that is part of why I write this blog, play the songs I wrote, am writing a novel, finished my memoir, tried to make a movie happen, etc. etc.  Steph believes I will be happy if I just become more social, which I have been trying to do.  I have tried to work out so that my body does not so constantly disappoint me.  I am seeking peace through Buddhism and reflection.  I am doing a lot of the things that people recommend and more recommendations would likely only serve to frustrate me.  I know what would make me happy.  The same thing that always has.  "A man's home should be his castle."  That is a cliched sentiment around the idea that the world will likely beat you down and be frustrating.  A man will likely go out to the world and be disappointed in many ways.  When he comes home, things should be in order and he should have the respect and admiration of his loved ones.  That would be nice, but I am not nearly so old-fashioned to think that would satiate me.  For me, my heart is my castle.  The rest of the world can turn its back on me and I will laugh, if I have love from a good woman to cling to.  Perhaps someday I will have that again, and all my friends will have "the old Alec back".