It's Me, Isn't It?

For me, and many others (probably mostly men) how often you have sex in  a relationship is a good barometer for how the relationship is doing.  The truth is, over time, a relationship always has less and less sex (at least it does for me).  There are fireworks at the beginning, but, given a few years, they fizzle.

I partially blamed my divorce from my previous wife on lack of sex.  From my point of view, when the sex life dies, so does the relationship.  This time around from day one, I made sex a large priority of what we talk about.  I did this not just because I am a horny old goat (which I am), but also because I really wanted things to work.  I am not certain which is the cause and which is the effect, but I do know you can control when you have sex, emotions are harder to control.  I read several articles from relationship counselors talking about stagnation in a relationship.  Their advice was to start scheduling sex at regular intervals.  This is, of course not very romantic.  From Steph's point of view, this is akin to rape.  That is not an exaggeration, those are her words.  Steph has her reasons for feeling that way, and out of respect to her privacy, I will not go into them.  Suffice it to say, the conversation is over on the subject.  I see us drifting farther and farther apart as the days between sexual encounters become weeks, the weeks become months and so on.  It seems, if I want to remain in this relationship, I will have to take a vow of celibacy.  Because Steph also tells me that her sexual appetite is very large, I have assumed (wrongly, as she assures me) that she is seeking her satisfaction elsewhere.  It is not an assumption that the attentions of other guys are far more rewarding than any flirtation I give her.  That is not a jibe or insult, but a sad fact.  She needs to feel as though everyone is attracted to her and I can never be enough to satiate that.  No matter how much she may value my opinion, it is not more important to her than everyone else's.  I was too flirtatious with people outside of my marriage the first time.  As a result, coupled with the fact that my ex-wife and I rarely had sex at the end of the relationship, she naturally assumed I was cheating on her.  I never did.  Not once.  Steph promises me that she never has either, and I have come around to believing her.

I remember how things started and at this point it makes me sad.  We had a voracious appetite for one another.  She would give me road head, her hands were always all over me, even in public, we had sex nearly every night we spent together.  Now, it feels like, from her point of view, sex has become a chore to be avoided.  Maybe that is my fault for trying to make it so important rather than letting it happen organically.  The trouble there is, I have had enough relationships where the love life fizzles where I tried to let things happen organically, that I simply did not want that to happen again.  Maybe it is a question of extremes.  Early on, I did not try at all.  This time, I tried too hard.  I do not know.  I can say this, I called it from day one.  I can read our old Facebook messages, and I warned her that exactly what has happened would if we did not make it a priority to try to keep our physical relationship alive.  I have tried everything I can think of.  Asking her what she likes outside of the bedroom, facilitating her desires, and trying to mix things up so that they do not become stale.  I have tried.  When she has said things like, "When we have a legitimate title on our relationship, I will be more comfortable in having sex."  We put a title on it and we had sex less often.  She said, "When we move in together, we will be able to have more sex."  We moved in together and had less sex.  "When we live together without roommates, I will be more comfortable in having sex more often."  Our roommates moved out and we lived together for a short time and had sex far less often.  "When we get married...", or "When you are well...", or, now, "When we are not fighting and happy..."  History does not look favorably on the prospect that when her conditions are met, she will actually end up being more comfortable.  These conditions appear to be more excuses than anything else, and as soon as they are met, the next excuse is invented.  If something is important to you, you will make time for it and not allow obstacles to get in your way.  If something is not important to you and you do not want to seem like you are deficient, it is easiest to make excuses.  The truth is, if we could go back to how we were at the beginning, we would likely be happy.  Happy couples and couples in love, are very physical with each other.  But which comes first, the chicken or the egg.  As a couple has less and less sex, they get more resentful and distant with one another.  But are they not having sex because they are unhappy, or are they unhappy because they are not having sex.  Steph believes happiness comes first.  History has a different story.  When we first started out, we had horrific fights about our mutual flirtation problems, yet we still had sex very often.  We were a new couple and in the "honeymoon phase", but I would have liked to have seen all of the pillars of our relationship grow.  Our attraction to one another to have been fed by our love and mental closeness.  Unfortunately that does not seem to be the way it has worked out.

I am angry at Steph for all that has happened.  I am angry about all of the lies and bad decisions.  That said, I love her more than I did when we first met.  I know her better than I did when we first met.  When we talk, we have deep and interesting conversations based on the fact that we know each other.  Steph often still treats me like someone that does not know her, qualifying things as you would with a stranger and giving explanations of her personality.  She talks to so many people about all kinds of things, it is likely a deeply ingrained habit and what I am hearing her say is a simple, rehearsed repetition of what she said to many before me.  From my point of view, it discredits our level of mental intimacy.  What I mean by that is she would say something like, "Because I am a person that truly cares about their job, it really matters to me that my managers like me so much.  So, this recent raise makes me feel good about myself as a person."  I want to say, "Hello, I have known you for over seven years, you don't have to introduce your personality to me."  The sad thing is, as much as I know her better than I did when we first met, and love her more than I did when we first met, that has only fueled MY sexual desire for her.  In her case, she also knows me better and loves me more, but HER sexual appetite for me has waned.  She told me, at the beginning that is how she felt.  That her desire would increase as our relationship became stronger.  That sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but that it gets fueled by really knowing someone.  In other words physical intimacy is fueled by spiritual and mental intimacy.  I completely agree with that, but our current situation tells a different story.  Steph may think she feels that way, but the truth is the most physical we ever were was when we knew and felt the least about one another.  And that is not by my choice.

Given my history and that this is not my first rodeo, I am left to conclude that the problem is me.  Sort of like, Taylor Swift and all of her breakup songs, saying the guy is such an asshole... Well, Taylor, if you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, it may be that you are either seeking out that problem or creating it yourself.  That is the only conclusion I can make that makes any sense.  A handful of very different women in very different circumstances and I have ended up in the same place sexually.  The only conclusion I can make is that I am the constant.  I am aware of few and far between couples that remained very physical and affectionate with one another over many many years.  I had always believed that the problem was the woman I was with.  Men will always want sex, so it is logical to assume that a couple does not have sex because the woman is not interested.  I feel as though I have a diverse enough sample to disprove that hypothesis.  I suppose, the truth is, I start to employ a "why bother" standpoint.  If I know when I make a supreme effort and it is left unrewarded, I am discouraged to do so again.  Maybe that is a big part of why the sexual part of our relationship dies.  Maybe I am just uninteresting.  Maybe I care too much and desperation is a foul cologne.  Maybe I just don't believe in myself anymore and women enjoy confidence.  I am left with that thought.  The problem is me.  Maybe from day one, that has been the issue.  As I said in my previous post, I base a lot of my self worth on the love and affections of the woman I love and if there is not one specifically in my life, women in general.  When I am not getting any, well, I believe I am worthless as a man.  That is why it bothers me so much.  I know a lot of the secret in my man-whore days was to not let rejection affect me at all, I would just move on to the next girl down the bar.  When there is only one available girl and no next one to move to, then rejection is all I get and from someone who loves me and knows me, it is a million times worse.  I wish that wanting Steph because I know and love her was attractive to her, but it is not.  She, and likely every other woman I have been with in the long term, see it as desperation, because it is so important to me that we have a strong physical relationship.  She may not have helped, but our lack of physical intimacy is my fault.

My Heart is my Castle

I know it is unhealthy, but a lot of my self worth is based on my romantic status.  If I am in love, I am happy.  I know that is an external force and outside of my control.  This is part of why I focus so much on getting my relationship in order.  A lot of my friends express anything from displeasure, to concern about the fact that I care so much about what is going on in my relationship with my wife, Steph.  Their advice is often, you need to work on you.  Get yourself in order, get a job, start working out again, etc. The trouble is, I do not currently believe in myself in the slightest.  The thing that matters most in the world to me, my relationship with the woman I love, is in tatters, so I do not think I am worthy of anything.  And my foundation in life is built around love.  Without that, I am building castles on sand.

The question is, how do you pull yourself out of a slump.  Baseball players deal with this almost religiously.  There are ceremonies they perform and practices they do, but I don't know how you fix something when you are not given the tools you need and you have no belief in yourself.  Periods in my life of intense success are surrounded by being happy in a relationship.  Without that, I usually just tread water.  Sex has been a stop gap for me in the past.  I would have sex with tons of women and that would make me feel like I am worthwhile for a bit...in the end I felt worse than I did before, though.  The sad thing is, even that is not available to me.  A few recent exchanges with Steph made it pretty clear to me that we will not be having sex for quite some time (and it has been a very long time since we had sex with any regularity).  If I had not had my previous experiences, I might go online to some of the "cheating" websites and find myself a willing participant, but I cannot do that, as I know it would only make me feel even worse.  I am utterly disheartened and do not have my usual ways of coping with it.

Here is what I am getting at.  My life has always had its fair share (and maybe more than that) of disappointment.  In the past, I could say, "Well, my grandfather died, who took over the job of teaching me how to be a man after my father passed, but at least I am married to a wonderful, intelligent woman".  Or, "I am twenty-four years old and divorced.  I let down the woman who was most important to me.  But, at least I am having sex with a lot of beautiful women".  Or even, "My acting career seems to be non-existant.  I can't get a movie off the ground, but Stephanie believes in me and still wants me sexually.  I guess I am not a complete failure."  I don't have any of that.  I would love to be able to say, "I am in constant pain and worried about our future, but my wife is making solid efforts to help encourage me to grow.  Through all of this she has supported me and loves me.  I can tell by her effort and love that we will get through all of this."  I would even take, "I have failed at nearly everything I have tried during the last 5 years, but my wife still thinks I am attractive enough to have sex with me."  Instead, all I have is the failures and pain with no "at least...".

I recently watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  I really enjoyed it.  It was a story of hope and the cinematography was beautiful.  After watching it, I was very sad, though.  Like Yes Man, or Joe Versus the Volcano and so many other movies, a man goes out and does crazy things in the middle of a hum-drum life.  He lives a life of drudgery and some impetus creates a new hunger for life that gives him a new perspective and he ends up with the girl.  Sometimes, like in the case of Mitty, the girl is a large part of that action.  Well, that is similar to how I am.  I get happy either because I am having lots of sex or I am in love and I want to share that happiness with the world.  I become more social, I start to do crazy, impetuous, and fun things.  I seek success in art and business and life.  But, when things are going poorly, I shut down, I become introverted and I lose all faith in the concept that I can get anything done.  The trouble is, being in the slump only makes it worse.  Who would love me like this?  I am mopey, sad and down on myself.  Those are not sexy qualities.

I have talked to Steph about this and her only advice has been to "man up".  She wants me to stop whining and complaining and "show her why she fell in love with me in the first place".  I have asked her for help: A little faith or for her to try a little to give me hope.  At this point, I would even take her changing her profile picture to something with the two of us rather than her cleavage and pierced tongue.  She believes she has tried, but I do not need her to organize an event for me and then show up just before it starts tired from days on end of going out and drinking, I need her to really try, not just throw something together and put in minimal effort.  To me, that is worse than not even doing anything.  But, Steph really caring is hard for her when I give her no reason to.  I can't give her reason to when I don't believe in myself.  It makes me feel worse to know that if I could only make myself be happy, she might actually come back to me, but the thing that would make me happy is for her to come back to me.  I can't seem to manufacture happiness elsewhere.

I am not really looking for advice.  I have gotten lots of it.  I have been told to get a job, because then I would feel better about myself.  I have been told to write and do something artistic and that is part of why I write this blog, play the songs I wrote, am writing a novel, finished my memoir, tried to make a movie happen, etc. etc.  Steph believes I will be happy if I just become more social, which I have been trying to do.  I have tried to work out so that my body does not so constantly disappoint me.  I am seeking peace through Buddhism and reflection.  I am doing a lot of the things that people recommend and more recommendations would likely only serve to frustrate me.  I know what would make me happy.  The same thing that always has.  "A man's home should be his castle."  That is a cliched sentiment around the idea that the world will likely beat you down and be frustrating.  A man will likely go out to the world and be disappointed in many ways.  When he comes home, things should be in order and he should have the respect and admiration of his loved ones.  That would be nice, but I am not nearly so old-fashioned to think that would satiate me.  For me, my heart is my castle.  The rest of the world can turn its back on me and I will laugh, if I have love from a good woman to cling to.  Perhaps someday I will have that again, and all my friends will have "the old Alec back".

the last chapter of my memoir

I finished my memoir late last night after a fight with Steph. I am really happy with it. it was therapeutic at times.  Sometimes, it made me very angry, remembering how awful things have been. In general, it made me think about all we have been through. It reminded me of the good and the bad. That said, I will not be able to publish it.  Steph comes off poorly, and it is a little too honest. I am pretty sure if Steph's parents or family (or anyone we mutually know for that matter) ever saw it...well, let's just say things would be worse.  I may publish under a nom de plume and change all the names.  I wanted to write it so that people that cared about us would really get a chance to hear exactly what was going on and how it affected us.  But now I realize that kind of honesty is not really comfortable for Steph.  So instead of publishing the memoir, I am going to put the last chapter here and decide what to do with the rest. enjoy...


Chapter 10:  In a fight, both sides are wrong and both sides are right


I have tried to be as fair and honest with this as I can be, not only saying my feelings but demonstrating Steph’s justifications and reasons for her actions.  At the end of the day, this is a memoir and from my point of view.  I could try to invent the reasons for all of Steph’s actions, but the truth is, I don’t understand them fully myself (and if I am completely honest, I don’t think she does either).  The focal point of this book was meant to be the difficult recovery and how it has affected me and my relationship. I can only write what I know and remember from my point of view and with my memories.

Steph had to deal with so much while I was sick.  I kept her up late with my vomiting and bathroom emergencies. She stayed by me in the hospital and slept every night for months on a super uncomfortable chair/bed.  She fought for me with the doctors and nurses when I could not fight for myself.  All the while, she tried to be strong for our families and tried to pass what little information we had to them.  That was often frustrating for her, but she had to mask that when she spoke to them, as they were frustrated and she had to be the strong one.  She watched me on my deathbed and did it with a smile mere months after our wedding.  That drove her to want to go out and have a little fun for herself after doing everything for me. Happiness and connecting with people have become the priority in her life and career.  This is because there was no happiness and she was utterly alone while she was taking care of me while I was sick.

In her mind, this was just something she was doing for herself before we got our lives back on track.  It was her belief, it was all going to stop once she got pregnant and we had a child.  Then we found out that we probably could not do that and definitely could not do it naturally.  As a result, she was more despondent and needed to go out even more.  Beyond that, without the specter of our future family as a goal, I did not seem worth it to her as I was simply angry all of the time.  I was no fun to be around and Steph needed fun after all of the horror I had put her through.

You may be reading this and think that Stephanie has been selfish.  She did leave me alone when I needed her most, but you have to ask yourself, in those given circumstances, how would you react?  Everyone has coping mechanisms.  Some of Steph’s big ones are getting hit on by guys, getting crushes on musicians, social media and going out and drinking.  No coping mechanism is healthy.  How would you handle it? Anything done in moderation can be healthy, and yes, Steph has gone to a really far extreme, but the situation she was in was equally extreme.  Everything she has done is understandable.  That does not make it any easier or me to deal with.  In fact, it makes it worse for me.  I know the cancer diagnosis and how I have acted are the causes for everything Steph has done over the last few years.  That is a truly earth-shattering realization and an extremely bitter pill to swallow.

Steph now treats me like I am worthless.  From her point of view, I am.  That is not me being hard on myself, that is just an honest look at the situation.  Think about it.  I don’t offer her sexual satisfaction, I am not the breadwinner, I am not doing anything with my life or time…I am useless. That is hard for me to take, but from her point of view it is the truth.  So, what has she asked of me to fix the situation?  She has told me to “Man up”.  I have tried to explain that is hard to do when she has absolutely no faith in me or belief that things will get better.

So what is our prognosis now that I am in full remission?  I honestly don’t know.  Steph has explained to me that her priority is to have fun and be happy.  She wants to be truly happy not just based on external sources or influences. This is the kind of happiness and centeredness discussed in Buddhist philosophy where good or bad external forces occur in one’s life, but that does not define the person’s life state.  She does not see how we can be happy together so maybe we can be happy apart.  That said, through all of the hell of my treatment and surgery and the subsequent two years of “emotional abuse” (her words) I have given her, she is still here.  Perhaps she is not fighting for us anymore, but she also has not given up.  She is tired, she has had to carry the weight alone a long time and now she thinks that she is the only one who can.  My concern is that she has no faith in others.  She believes that if you put your faith in someone they will only let you down.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  So, how can I “Man up”?  I don’t know.  I am defeated.  Yes, Steph has had to go through a lot over the last three years, but so have I.  I would like to say that while there is still love, you should never give up.  I threw a couch across the room when my last wife brought up divorce for the first time.  But at that point in my life, I was young and strong.  Now I am weak and broken.  The trouble is both of us are too exhausted to fight for us.  I don’t know that either of us are prepared to give up, but I am not sure if either of us has the strength, energy or faith to keep fighting.  I will try.  I will double my efforts.  I will ask my wife what she means by “man up” more than I already have and I have asked her to have more faith in me, but the truth is what reason have I given her to believe in me over the course of the last three years?

I wanted this to be a story of hope.  I wanted to be able to end this memoir by saying, things were hard for me, but I am healthy and things were tough in our relationship, but we are stronger in love now than we ever were.  That was the direction I thought things were going.  If I wrote a movie version of our story, that is how it would end, but life does not seem to be like that for me.  Life is a marathon.  I have hit several walls, nearly drowning at a young age, losing my father, losing my grandfather, getting divorced, losing a good-paying job, getting cancer and now watching the love of my life slip through my fingers and being frustrated at myself for not having the strength to stop it.  This “recovery” was far worse than anything I went through in treatment.  I was told that after my surgeries, my back pain would be gone and there was only a twenty percent chance I would be sterile.  Well, my back pain is still horrible, I have massive abdominal pain and I do not produce sperm.  My life will never be able to get back on the track that it was on.

That said, hope is not gone.  I will keep fighting to get my life and my wife back.  I did not let death take me when it was so inviting and I will not let my exhaustion win.  I no longer hold the young man’s dream that an easy life can be earned, but that does not mean that life is not worth living.  Steph and I still love each other despite everything we have been through.  I will not “Just be happy I am alive” as so many people invite me to do…no, I have more to live for than that.  I have the hope to cling to that I can have a deep and abiding love with a woman that went through Hell with me.  That is something special no matter what the circumstances are.  That chance gives me the strength to carry on and that is more than I deserve.

If you have read this, I love you unconditionally.  Thank you for your support and attention, I now count you as a dear friend.

So that is the last chapter. Unfortunately, that is all that will publish as Alec Fairey with the names the same.