I Married Marilyn Monroe

First off, I would like to thank everyone that contacted me and said words of encouragement about trying to make things work with Steph, my wife, and I.  I heard many stories from couples that had been through tough times and worked it out and everything from encouragement to admonishments about my plan of attack to deal with my own issues and problems.

I have been a real prick to Steph over the years.  When we first started, I was not really ready to move on from my previous relationship.  As a result, I treated her poorly and took her for granted.  Even through all of that she loved me and only wanted her future to be with me.  I guess I thought that would always be the case.  Lately, I have been angry about Steph giving up on us.  It has made me say some pretty awful things.  I guess all I can say about that is Steph giving up on us feels like the end of all my dreams.  I may never have love again.  I may never have children...it is just hard for me to take, and I have handled it poorly, lashing out at her.  When my first wife said, "We may need to think about divorce," I threw a couch across the room.  From my point of view, you never accept surrender in a marriage.  You never even think about giving up.  Once you do, it is the beginning of the end.  The other thing that is a problem is that I want good things for Steph.  That sounds great, but what it often means is that I try to help her improve herself (a constant quest of hers).  The trouble there is Steph was raised by a very strong feminist woman in a very male dominated profession.  She was taught that if a man is trying to help you or has opinions on the way you are doing things, he is trying to dominate and oppress you.  Frustration eventually turned my kind helping hand into a hammer, and Steph felt like I was just trying to break her down.  That coupled with my frustrations, loneliness, the loss of my own personal goals and dreams because of her decisions has made me say some truly terrible things to her and create some pretty awkward situations for our friends.  I apologized to Steph about this publicly on Facebook and privately, but I would like to do so now as well.  I am sorry to all of you who have had to witness me lashing out.

Those of you who are my Facebook friends may have noticed that I am being exceptionally complimentary of Steph in social media these days.  She actually confronted me about this.  She believed it was an attempt to stake my claim on her.  She saw what was an attempt, on my part, to be more publicly affectionate as having darker underlying purposes.  Well, I can say with some certainty that is not the case.  I had given Steph her space on social media.  It was her bastion to do with as she pleased and to act like whoever she wanted with anyone she cared to.  I decided that, since it has become such a large part of her life, I should take part rather than separate myself.  I am not trying to stake my claim on her as property, but rather to be a positive part of her life in any way that I can.  I clarify this because of the schism between my candor here and my apparently only talking about positive things there.  I realize I also post a lot of "we are breaking up" song lyrics to a private group and that may seem like I am hiding something, but the truth is, I do love her deeply, that is not fake.  I am also torn up that she is leaving and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.  I am not being disingenuous in either arena.  I am trying to make an effort to say nice things about her publicly, rather than being an ass.  I also am hurting and do not wish to drag her family, friends, acquaintances or even her through that.  They believe (because this is what Steph tells them) that I am angry and sullen for no real  reason and that she is happy and going out and partying to get away from her angry (because he is crazy) husband.  She has told them that she rarely goes out (which in her defense has become more true of late) and that I am angry that she is not with me every waking moment.  The truth is for a long time she was going out quite a bit and coming home at 4 and 5 in the morning even when she had to open the next day at work.  I do not wish to lie for her or hold anything back from those that care about me, but if she wishes to deceive her friends, it is not my place to shatter that illusion.

I had a recent epiphany about Steph that I want to share, and should she read this, all the better, but I imagine after my last blog, she may have no interest.

Steph is truly obsessed with Marilyn Monroe.  She uses the term obsessed about everything from coffee to whatever new music artist she has become infatuated with, but I think this is an actual correct use of the word, obsession.  Steph relates deeply with Marilyn.  She was a beautiful, sensual woman who was much smarter than she was given credit for because of the way she looked (and pretended to be).  She died by herself (possibly by her own hand) feeling misunderstood, unloved and utterly, utterly alone having chosen career over love on a number of occasions.  I believe that this has made an indelible archetype on the female psyche.  So many women I have met believe that you can only have love and family or a career, and no matter how many women I may point to as people that clearly have done both, many women seem to believe that it is impossible to balance ones life with family and career.  It would seem since, now that so many women are working and indeed, many are the bread-winners of the household (over 40 percent of couples and climbing if I remember correctly), that this would be easier for people to believe.  I wholeheartedly do believe that a modern woman can have both.  I have never wanted to get in the way of my spouse's career.  In fact, for Steph, I am willing to move, should her work require her to, despite our family support and dear friends.

Many would ask, "Why would it be a problem to be married to Marilyn Monroe?  You would be the envy of every man on the planet."  This is true, but that is the last thing a Marilyn would want.  Marilyn did not want to be arm candy for her man.  She wanted a partner.  Marilyn Monroe was a lie, a persona Norma Jean created.  But, Marilyn was always Marilyn in interviews or Hollywood parties...she never got to be herself.  She made everything about sex and then was frustrated that everyone just wanted her for sex.  She was never given any respect for her accomplishments or intellect because she was just seen as having gotten everything from her sex-symbol status.  When she married Joe DiMaggio, she was the one who talked about wanting a family and to be a home-maker.  History seems to say that he tried to force her into that role and was upset when all of New York saw her underwear during her famous white dress scene.  Perhaps that is true.  Perhaps he tried to force the home-maker apron on a woman that wanted to act and create art, but maybe he did that partially because it was what she said she wanted.  Maybe, for a time there Marilyn got tired of pretending to be Marilyn and just wanted to be herself away from the limelight.  Arthur Miller wrote entire books about how frustrated he was that she lived a lie.  He wrote a movie for her, in which the character she played was basically Marilyn Monroe.  She had a line where she talked about her "persona" as a joke, as something she wanted to get away from.  When they divorced he railed against how much she seemed to hate this persona she was pretending to be.  Maybe, Arthur Miller saw glimpses behind the mask when Marilyn wasn't just trying to pretend to be what everyone wanted.  Maybe he loved the real her, but she would never truly open up to him.  Then Marilyn went off and studied acting with Stella Adler and the like.  She wanted to be taken as a serious actress, not just a two dimensional comedic device.  She wanted to earn respect for something more than just being attractive.  With the affair with JFK, it seemed she wanted more, but all he wanted was sex.  That was all anyone ever wanted from her.  The tragedy is that she created that circumstance.  She dressed, acted, talked and created her sex-pod persona and did such a good job of making everyone around her happy, she could never escape it.  Which is not to say that men are not animals or above reproach and that every woman in an unfavorable circumstance is "asking for it", but in this specific case, the Marilyn persona was Marilyn's biggest problem in her only being seen as a sex symbol.  Meanwhile, she wrote some very interesting poetry.  To numb the pain of loneliness and the regret of pushing away those that wanted to know the real her, she took many prescription drugs, drank and partied.  She ended her life alone, too drugged up to finish any of the projects she was working on.  She  showed up late to sets and when she did show up, she was too out of it from numbing her pain to even say her lines or do her job.  The sad thing is, she got what she wanted in terms of her career and fame and her priorities.  She had massive movie contracts, the adoration of fans and a career that could have spanned decades after her untimely death.  But, it would appear to me, she never let a single person in.  She was never really honest with a human being, including herself.

As far as I know, that is all factually accurate (aside from some of my inferences).  I won't insult my wife by making direct correlations, but I will say this...I see my wife heading down that road.  I watch her say things to me that I imagine Marilyn said to Joe or Arthur, and I want better for my wife than what Marilyn felt.  I don't want her to have the same frustrations and questions about whether or not she really earned what she got or if it came because people are attracted to her.  I don't want her walking away from our marriage and feeling like she made the mistake Marilyn made with Joe DiMaggio (as Marilyn felt later in life).  I want her to believe that there is greater happiness available to her than partying and career.  Marilyn may have felt that was enough at one point, but at the end, all she could do was self-medicate herself through the end of her life.  I am not saying everyone in the world needs love to be happy, but I think it is important for SOMEONE to know the real you, rather than just glimpses and that having the whole world want you sexually is not nearly as validating as having one person love you for who you really are.

Again, I have often been heavy handed in HOW I tell my wife that I am concerned about her.  I have even sought retribution for all of the pain she has caused me and that is not fair.  Should we fail, I know it is completely my fault for not correctly handling all of the issues that come with being married to a Marilyn.  But, even if it is too late and I am out of her life, I still want better for her.  I want her to be happy...Truly happy...Not comfortably numb.