It's Me, Isn't It?

For me, and many others (probably mostly men) how often you have sex in  a relationship is a good barometer for how the relationship is doing.  The truth is, over time, a relationship always has less and less sex (at least it does for me).  There are fireworks at the beginning, but, given a few years, they fizzle.

I partially blamed my divorce from my previous wife on lack of sex.  From my point of view, when the sex life dies, so does the relationship.  This time around from day one, I made sex a large priority of what we talk about.  I did this not just because I am a horny old goat (which I am), but also because I really wanted things to work.  I am not certain which is the cause and which is the effect, but I do know you can control when you have sex, emotions are harder to control.  I read several articles from relationship counselors talking about stagnation in a relationship.  Their advice was to start scheduling sex at regular intervals.  This is, of course not very romantic.  From Steph's point of view, this is akin to rape.  That is not an exaggeration, those are her words.  Steph has her reasons for feeling that way, and out of respect to her privacy, I will not go into them.  Suffice it to say, the conversation is over on the subject.  I see us drifting farther and farther apart as the days between sexual encounters become weeks, the weeks become months and so on.  It seems, if I want to remain in this relationship, I will have to take a vow of celibacy.  Because Steph also tells me that her sexual appetite is very large, I have assumed (wrongly, as she assures me) that she is seeking her satisfaction elsewhere.  It is not an assumption that the attentions of other guys are far more rewarding than any flirtation I give her.  That is not a jibe or insult, but a sad fact.  She needs to feel as though everyone is attracted to her and I can never be enough to satiate that.  No matter how much she may value my opinion, it is not more important to her than everyone else's.  I was too flirtatious with people outside of my marriage the first time.  As a result, coupled with the fact that my ex-wife and I rarely had sex at the end of the relationship, she naturally assumed I was cheating on her.  I never did.  Not once.  Steph promises me that she never has either, and I have come around to believing her.

I remember how things started and at this point it makes me sad.  We had a voracious appetite for one another.  She would give me road head, her hands were always all over me, even in public, we had sex nearly every night we spent together.  Now, it feels like, from her point of view, sex has become a chore to be avoided.  Maybe that is my fault for trying to make it so important rather than letting it happen organically.  The trouble there is, I have had enough relationships where the love life fizzles where I tried to let things happen organically, that I simply did not want that to happen again.  Maybe it is a question of extremes.  Early on, I did not try at all.  This time, I tried too hard.  I do not know.  I can say this, I called it from day one.  I can read our old Facebook messages, and I warned her that exactly what has happened would if we did not make it a priority to try to keep our physical relationship alive.  I have tried everything I can think of.  Asking her what she likes outside of the bedroom, facilitating her desires, and trying to mix things up so that they do not become stale.  I have tried.  When she has said things like, "When we have a legitimate title on our relationship, I will be more comfortable in having sex."  We put a title on it and we had sex less often.  She said, "When we move in together, we will be able to have more sex."  We moved in together and had less sex.  "When we live together without roommates, I will be more comfortable in having sex more often."  Our roommates moved out and we lived together for a short time and had sex far less often.  "When we get married...", or "When you are well...", or, now, "When we are not fighting and happy..."  History does not look favorably on the prospect that when her conditions are met, she will actually end up being more comfortable.  These conditions appear to be more excuses than anything else, and as soon as they are met, the next excuse is invented.  If something is important to you, you will make time for it and not allow obstacles to get in your way.  If something is not important to you and you do not want to seem like you are deficient, it is easiest to make excuses.  The truth is, if we could go back to how we were at the beginning, we would likely be happy.  Happy couples and couples in love, are very physical with each other.  But which comes first, the chicken or the egg.  As a couple has less and less sex, they get more resentful and distant with one another.  But are they not having sex because they are unhappy, or are they unhappy because they are not having sex.  Steph believes happiness comes first.  History has a different story.  When we first started out, we had horrific fights about our mutual flirtation problems, yet we still had sex very often.  We were a new couple and in the "honeymoon phase", but I would have liked to have seen all of the pillars of our relationship grow.  Our attraction to one another to have been fed by our love and mental closeness.  Unfortunately that does not seem to be the way it has worked out.

I am angry at Steph for all that has happened.  I am angry about all of the lies and bad decisions.  That said, I love her more than I did when we first met.  I know her better than I did when we first met.  When we talk, we have deep and interesting conversations based on the fact that we know each other.  Steph often still treats me like someone that does not know her, qualifying things as you would with a stranger and giving explanations of her personality.  She talks to so many people about all kinds of things, it is likely a deeply ingrained habit and what I am hearing her say is a simple, rehearsed repetition of what she said to many before me.  From my point of view, it discredits our level of mental intimacy.  What I mean by that is she would say something like, "Because I am a person that truly cares about their job, it really matters to me that my managers like me so much.  So, this recent raise makes me feel good about myself as a person."  I want to say, "Hello, I have known you for over seven years, you don't have to introduce your personality to me."  The sad thing is, as much as I know her better than I did when we first met, and love her more than I did when we first met, that has only fueled MY sexual desire for her.  In her case, she also knows me better and loves me more, but HER sexual appetite for me has waned.  She told me, at the beginning that is how she felt.  That her desire would increase as our relationship became stronger.  That sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but that it gets fueled by really knowing someone.  In other words physical intimacy is fueled by spiritual and mental intimacy.  I completely agree with that, but our current situation tells a different story.  Steph may think she feels that way, but the truth is the most physical we ever were was when we knew and felt the least about one another.  And that is not by my choice.

Given my history and that this is not my first rodeo, I am left to conclude that the problem is me.  Sort of like, Taylor Swift and all of her breakup songs, saying the guy is such an asshole... Well, Taylor, if you find yourself in the same situation over and over again, it may be that you are either seeking out that problem or creating it yourself.  That is the only conclusion I can make that makes any sense.  A handful of very different women in very different circumstances and I have ended up in the same place sexually.  The only conclusion I can make is that I am the constant.  I am aware of few and far between couples that remained very physical and affectionate with one another over many many years.  I had always believed that the problem was the woman I was with.  Men will always want sex, so it is logical to assume that a couple does not have sex because the woman is not interested.  I feel as though I have a diverse enough sample to disprove that hypothesis.  I suppose, the truth is, I start to employ a "why bother" standpoint.  If I know when I make a supreme effort and it is left unrewarded, I am discouraged to do so again.  Maybe that is a big part of why the sexual part of our relationship dies.  Maybe I am just uninteresting.  Maybe I care too much and desperation is a foul cologne.  Maybe I just don't believe in myself anymore and women enjoy confidence.  I am left with that thought.  The problem is me.  Maybe from day one, that has been the issue.  As I said in my previous post, I base a lot of my self worth on the love and affections of the woman I love and if there is not one specifically in my life, women in general.  When I am not getting any, well, I believe I am worthless as a man.  That is why it bothers me so much.  I know a lot of the secret in my man-whore days was to not let rejection affect me at all, I would just move on to the next girl down the bar.  When there is only one available girl and no next one to move to, then rejection is all I get and from someone who loves me and knows me, it is a million times worse.  I wish that wanting Steph because I know and love her was attractive to her, but it is not.  She, and likely every other woman I have been with in the long term, see it as desperation, because it is so important to me that we have a strong physical relationship.  She may not have helped, but our lack of physical intimacy is my fault.